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toxic_cornI'm on a mission to cheer myself up and what's worked in the past? Fic! So I wrote my first Firefly fic in forever. It's not my best and I'm not terribly proud of it but it made me giggle as I typed so I think it did its job.
Title: I Like The Sonnets But The Comedies Are Better
Author: toxic_corn
Rating: G. Very G.
Disclaimer: So not even mine. Joss is boss, etc.
Summary: Jayne does not like being the object of mockery. At all.
Note/Warning: Shakespeare quoted. Also not mine.
No. Oh, hell no. Not this again.
The children squirmed in their desks, pulling one another’s hair and passing notes as Jayne cleared his throat and shifted from one foot to the other.
“Jayne Cobb,” Ms. Crabtree said sternly. “Recite.”
Scowling at the giggles from the popular girls, Jayne hunched his shoulders. “My mistress’s eyes are nothing like the sun; Coral far more red than her lips red: If snow be white, why then her breasts are—“
Just like that, at the “b” word, the whole class exploded into laughter. Jayne felt his face turn red and at the sight of Ms. Crabtree smothering a smile, he saw red. “Bi zui! I ain’t the one who wrote this go se; some dead idiot did! SHUT UP!”
But they only laughed louder and harder.
Roaring, Jayne jerked awake and looked around his small bunk ready to hit someone. He could still hear the laughing but none of those pukes from his school days was in sight. It took him a few seconds to realize he was on Serenity, far from Pomona, and he hadn’t been in Ms. Crabtree’s class for... well, a long time.
Rubbing a hand over his face, he glared up at his door. The laughter had to be coming from the mess. Didn’t anyone respect the need for a working man’s need for a nap every now and then? It weren’t damn fair.
Ready to tell them off, Jayne hauled himself off his bed and climbed up the ladder. He made it partway down the hallway when he came to a stop at a voice that sounded almost exactly like his.
“Don’t no one on this crate respect a workin’ man’s need for sleep? Who said you could have fun? Mal may not care but when I say shut up, you shut! Now I’m gonna go eat all the snacks so no one can have any later.”
Everyone started laughing all over again and Kaylee, the little traitor, shrieked, “He does that! He really does!”
Jayne crept stealthily to the door and peered inside. Everyone was seated around the table, sipping some of Inara’s fancy-ass wine and Crazy Pain in the Ass Tam was standing up in front of them all wearing what looked like a pair of Mal’s boots, a ripped t-shirt over her pink sundress, and some stupid, yellow poofball hat. And they thought that was funny?
As he watched, Crazy hitched up an imaginary belt and made her gut stick out exaggeratedly. He didn’t do that! Like hell he did! “I’m compensating for a small John Thomas!”
Mal spat out his mouthful of wine in a bright red spray, making everyone else laugh even harder.
Grinding his teeth, Jayne strode back to the bunks.
~*~
River smiled to herself, pleased that her pantomime was going so well. She had been planning to entertain everyone with Odette’s solo from Swan Lake but Jayne had begged off early, claiming to be exhausted after a day of “hard work.” Apparently “hard work” consisted of ten minutes of weight training and then pretending she didn’t exist as she practiced dancing, except to make sarcastic remarks about how much her pliés and pirouettes did a lot to contribute to the good of the ship.
So River ditched the swans and went straight for satire at a certain Girl-named Ape Man’s expense. Just as she was about to begin her material on Jayne’s proclivity for whoring (she thought this for sure would finish Simon off since he already had to run out of the room once for fear of urinating), a loud, girlish shriek came from behind her.
Startled, River whirled around to find Jayne. Jayne wrapped up in a flowered sheet of Kaylee’s. Jayne wrapped up in a flowered sheet of Kaylee’s and a black knitted afghan on his head, some of the blanket hanging in his eyes.
Jayne stepped into the room on tip toes, fingers pressed to his mouth, eyes darting from one side to the other. “Do you hear them? They’re sand worms! Crawling from the walls.”
River’s jaw dropped. She didn’t sound like that! That high, whiney voice! And she didn’t say anything nearly as asinine. She glanced at the others and they were all stone-faced. Well, they were trying to be. She could see the corner of the captain’s mouth twitching.
Jayne leapt high, arms flung out and announced, “I can smell the color purple.”
Then everyone was laughing again, even Simon! Traitorous wretch; she’d see how he’d be laughing a week from now when she had her revenge. He was still terrified of mice, after all.
Jayne hummed to himself and spun in circles, dancing like an idiot child. River narrowed her eyes until she realized the best way to combat this situation.
“Girl, what the hell are you doing now?” River demanded, irritably.
Jayne kept dancing.
“Got wax in your ear, girl?”
“She’s listening, she just doesn’t give a shit.”
To everyone’s surprise, River burst out laughing. “I would never say that!”
“You should. It’s funny as hell,” Jayne answered, breaking character. “Apparently you know what humor is. Be nice to have more of that around here.”
“Though not at your expense,” River said.
“Damn straight.”
The crew got restless and started talking amongst themselves once they realized River and Jayne weren’t about to k ill each other, nor were they about to do any more entertaining.
“I’d better go change my clothes then,” River said, wrinkling her nose and looking down at herself. “I look ridiculous.”
“You look ridiculous? I got a damn afghan on my head!”
Giggling, River dashed from the room and from the depths of his memories came the line, My mistress when she walks, treads on the ground; And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare. Huh. Weird.
Jayne went off to change himself as Kaylee called after him, “Put my sheets back on my bed, Jayne!”
He simply tossed them at the foot of her ladder and called it good, searching out little Crazy for some more unexpected fun.
~fin~
Feedback makes me cheer up, too. *Bambi eyes*
Title: I Like The Sonnets But The Comedies Are Better
Author: toxic_corn
Rating: G. Very G.
Disclaimer: So not even mine. Joss is boss, etc.
Summary: Jayne does not like being the object of mockery. At all.
Note/Warning: Shakespeare quoted. Also not mine.
No. Oh, hell no. Not this again.
The children squirmed in their desks, pulling one another’s hair and passing notes as Jayne cleared his throat and shifted from one foot to the other.
“Jayne Cobb,” Ms. Crabtree said sternly. “Recite.”
Scowling at the giggles from the popular girls, Jayne hunched his shoulders. “My mistress’s eyes are nothing like the sun; Coral far more red than her lips red: If snow be white, why then her breasts are—“
Just like that, at the “b” word, the whole class exploded into laughter. Jayne felt his face turn red and at the sight of Ms. Crabtree smothering a smile, he saw red. “Bi zui! I ain’t the one who wrote this go se; some dead idiot did! SHUT UP!”
But they only laughed louder and harder.
Roaring, Jayne jerked awake and looked around his small bunk ready to hit someone. He could still hear the laughing but none of those pukes from his school days was in sight. It took him a few seconds to realize he was on Serenity, far from Pomona, and he hadn’t been in Ms. Crabtree’s class for... well, a long time.
Rubbing a hand over his face, he glared up at his door. The laughter had to be coming from the mess. Didn’t anyone respect the need for a working man’s need for a nap every now and then? It weren’t damn fair.
Ready to tell them off, Jayne hauled himself off his bed and climbed up the ladder. He made it partway down the hallway when he came to a stop at a voice that sounded almost exactly like his.
“Don’t no one on this crate respect a workin’ man’s need for sleep? Who said you could have fun? Mal may not care but when I say shut up, you shut! Now I’m gonna go eat all the snacks so no one can have any later.”
Everyone started laughing all over again and Kaylee, the little traitor, shrieked, “He does that! He really does!”
Jayne crept stealthily to the door and peered inside. Everyone was seated around the table, sipping some of Inara’s fancy-ass wine and Crazy Pain in the Ass Tam was standing up in front of them all wearing what looked like a pair of Mal’s boots, a ripped t-shirt over her pink sundress, and some stupid, yellow poofball hat. And they thought that was funny?
As he watched, Crazy hitched up an imaginary belt and made her gut stick out exaggeratedly. He didn’t do that! Like hell he did! “I’m compensating for a small John Thomas!”
Mal spat out his mouthful of wine in a bright red spray, making everyone else laugh even harder.
Grinding his teeth, Jayne strode back to the bunks.
River smiled to herself, pleased that her pantomime was going so well. She had been planning to entertain everyone with Odette’s solo from Swan Lake but Jayne had begged off early, claiming to be exhausted after a day of “hard work.” Apparently “hard work” consisted of ten minutes of weight training and then pretending she didn’t exist as she practiced dancing, except to make sarcastic remarks about how much her pliés and pirouettes did a lot to contribute to the good of the ship.
So River ditched the swans and went straight for satire at a certain Girl-named Ape Man’s expense. Just as she was about to begin her material on Jayne’s proclivity for whoring (she thought this for sure would finish Simon off since he already had to run out of the room once for fear of urinating), a loud, girlish shriek came from behind her.
Startled, River whirled around to find Jayne. Jayne wrapped up in a flowered sheet of Kaylee’s. Jayne wrapped up in a flowered sheet of Kaylee’s and a black knitted afghan on his head, some of the blanket hanging in his eyes.
Jayne stepped into the room on tip toes, fingers pressed to his mouth, eyes darting from one side to the other. “Do you hear them? They’re sand worms! Crawling from the walls.”
River’s jaw dropped. She didn’t sound like that! That high, whiney voice! And she didn’t say anything nearly as asinine. She glanced at the others and they were all stone-faced. Well, they were trying to be. She could see the corner of the captain’s mouth twitching.
Jayne leapt high, arms flung out and announced, “I can smell the color purple.”
Then everyone was laughing again, even Simon! Traitorous wretch; she’d see how he’d be laughing a week from now when she had her revenge. He was still terrified of mice, after all.
Jayne hummed to himself and spun in circles, dancing like an idiot child. River narrowed her eyes until she realized the best way to combat this situation.
“Girl, what the hell are you doing now?” River demanded, irritably.
Jayne kept dancing.
“Got wax in your ear, girl?”
“She’s listening, she just doesn’t give a shit.”
To everyone’s surprise, River burst out laughing. “I would never say that!”
“You should. It’s funny as hell,” Jayne answered, breaking character. “Apparently you know what humor is. Be nice to have more of that around here.”
“Though not at your expense,” River said.
“Damn straight.”
The crew got restless and started talking amongst themselves once they realized River and Jayne weren’t about to k ill each other, nor were they about to do any more entertaining.
“I’d better go change my clothes then,” River said, wrinkling her nose and looking down at herself. “I look ridiculous.”
“You look ridiculous? I got a damn afghan on my head!”
Giggling, River dashed from the room and from the depths of his memories came the line, My mistress when she walks, treads on the ground; And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare. Huh. Weird.
Jayne went off to change himself as Kaylee called after him, “Put my sheets back on my bed, Jayne!”
He simply tossed them at the foot of her ladder and called it good, searching out little Crazy for some more unexpected fun.
Feedback makes me cheer up, too. *Bambi eyes*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 02:56 am (UTC)This was so freakin fantastic. It's so good to read something of yours again. Hopefully you can get inspired now and then.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-05-09 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 03:04 am (UTC)"She's listening, she just doesn't give a shit."
XD
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Date: 2010-05-09 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 03:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-09 11:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 04:22 am (UTC)(Also, the first commenter's Sheldon icon is just swell.)
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Date: 2010-05-09 11:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 04:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-09 11:36 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-05-07 07:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-09 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 11:34 am (UTC)This was a delightful piece...I liked the beginning insight into Jayne's past...very intriguing!
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Date: 2010-05-09 11:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 01:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-09 11:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 05:32 pm (UTC)Loved Jayne's version of a River comeback line -- especially since River herself had to crack up at that one!
This put a huge grin on my face. Thank you!
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Date: 2010-05-09 11:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 07:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-09 11:41 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-05-09 11:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-10 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-13 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-12 10:56 pm (UTC)I smell purple...bwhahahahaha
Thanks for this. Just great!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-13 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-17 12:25 am (UTC)I haven't read Rayne in ages, but when I saw you posted... I had to read!
That was good nostalgic fun!!!!
... and I also almost spat my coke everywhere...
no subject
Date: 2010-05-20 05:16 am (UTC)There are some LJers and stories I have to set beverages aside for fear I'll damage my keyboard/monitor/tower. There should be spit warnings. ;)