toxic_corn: Summer Glau is pretty. (FF: jayne - the man they call jayne)
[personal profile] toxic_corn
I'm on a mission to cheer myself up and what's worked in the past? Fic! So I wrote my first Firefly fic in forever. It's not my best and I'm not terribly proud of it but it made me giggle as I typed so I think it did its job.

Title: I Like The Sonnets But The Comedies Are Better
Author: toxic_corn
Rating: G. Very G.
Disclaimer: So not even mine. Joss is boss, etc.
Summary: Jayne does not like being the object of mockery. At all.
Note/Warning: Shakespeare quoted. Also not mine.

No. Oh, hell no. Not this again.

The children squirmed in their desks, pulling one another’s hair and passing notes as Jayne cleared his throat and shifted from one foot to the other.

“Jayne Cobb,” Ms. Crabtree said sternly. “Recite.”

Scowling at the giggles from the popular girls, Jayne hunched his shoulders. “My mistress’s eyes are nothing like the sun; Coral far more red than her lips red: If snow be white, why then her breasts are—“

Just like that, at the “b” word, the whole class exploded into laughter. Jayne felt his face turn red and at the sight of Ms. Crabtree smothering a smile, he saw red. “Bi zui! I ain’t the one who wrote this go se; some dead idiot did! SHUT UP!”
But they only laughed louder and harder.

Roaring, Jayne jerked awake and looked around his small bunk ready to hit someone. He could still hear the laughing but none of those pukes from his school days was in sight. It took him a few seconds to realize he was on Serenity, far from Pomona, and he hadn’t been in Ms. Crabtree’s class for... well, a long time.

Rubbing a hand over his face, he glared up at his door. The laughter had to be coming from the mess. Didn’t anyone respect the need for a working man’s need for a nap every now and then? It weren’t damn fair.

Ready to tell them off, Jayne hauled himself off his bed and climbed up the ladder. He made it partway down the hallway when he came to a stop at a voice that sounded almost exactly like his.

“Don’t no one on this crate respect a workin’ man’s need for sleep? Who said you could have fun? Mal may not care but when I say shut up, you shut! Now I’m gonna go eat all the snacks so no one can have any later.”

Everyone started laughing all over again and Kaylee, the little traitor, shrieked, “He does that! He really does!”

Jayne crept stealthily to the door and peered inside. Everyone was seated around the table, sipping some of Inara’s fancy-ass wine and Crazy Pain in the Ass Tam was standing up in front of them all wearing what looked like a pair of Mal’s boots, a ripped t-shirt over her pink sundress, and some stupid, yellow poofball hat. And they thought that was funny?

As he watched, Crazy hitched up an imaginary belt and made her gut stick out exaggeratedly. He didn’t do that! Like hell he did! “I’m compensating for a small John Thomas!”

Mal spat out his mouthful of wine in a bright red spray, making everyone else laugh even harder.

Grinding his teeth, Jayne strode back to the bunks.


River smiled to herself, pleased that her pantomime was going so well. She had been planning to entertain everyone with Odette’s solo from Swan Lake but Jayne had begged off early, claiming to be exhausted after a day of “hard work.” Apparently “hard work” consisted of ten minutes of weight training and then pretending she didn’t exist as she practiced dancing, except to make sarcastic remarks about how much her pliés and pirouettes did a lot to contribute to the good of the ship.

So River ditched the swans and went straight for satire at a certain Girl-named Ape Man’s expense. Just as she was about to begin her material on Jayne’s proclivity for whoring (she thought this for sure would finish Simon off since he already had to run out of the room once for fear of urinating), a loud, girlish shriek came from behind her.

Startled, River whirled around to find Jayne. Jayne wrapped up in a flowered sheet of Kaylee’s. Jayne wrapped up in a flowered sheet of Kaylee’s and a black knitted afghan on his head, some of the blanket hanging in his eyes.

Jayne stepped into the room on tip toes, fingers pressed to his mouth, eyes darting from one side to the other. “Do you hear them? They’re sand worms! Crawling from the walls.”

River’s jaw dropped. She didn’t sound like that! That high, whiney voice! And she didn’t say anything nearly as asinine. She glanced at the others and they were all stone-faced. Well, they were trying to be. She could see the corner of the captain’s mouth twitching.

Jayne leapt high, arms flung out and announced, “I can smell the color purple.”

Then everyone was laughing again, even Simon! Traitorous wretch; she’d see how he’d be laughing a week from now when she had her revenge. He was still terrified of mice, after all.

Jayne hummed to himself and spun in circles, dancing like an idiot child. River narrowed her eyes until she realized the best way to combat this situation.

“Girl, what the hell are you doing now?” River demanded, irritably.

Jayne kept dancing.

“Got wax in your ear, girl?”

“She’s listening, she just doesn’t give a shit.”

To everyone’s surprise, River burst out laughing. “I would never say that!”

“You should. It’s funny as hell,” Jayne answered, breaking character. “Apparently you know what humor is. Be nice to have more of that around here.”

“Though not at your expense,” River said.

“Damn straight.”

The crew got restless and started talking amongst themselves once they realized River and Jayne weren’t about to k ill each other, nor were they about to do any more entertaining.

“I’d better go change my clothes then,” River said, wrinkling her nose and looking down at herself. “I look ridiculous.”

You look ridiculous? I got a damn afghan on my head!”

Giggling, River dashed from the room and from the depths of his memories came the line, My mistress when she walks, treads on the ground; And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
Huh. Weird.

Jayne went off to change himself as Kaylee called after him, “Put my sheets back on my bed, Jayne!”

He simply tossed them at the foot of her ladder and called it good, searching out little Crazy for some more unexpected fun.


Feedback makes me cheer up, too. *Bambi eyes*

Date: 2010-05-07 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I smell purple???? LMAO. Where did you come up with that?

This was so freakin fantastic. It's so good to read something of yours again. Hopefully you can get inspired now and then.


Date: 2010-05-09 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad you liked it. :) I'll never be anywhere near as prolific as I used to, but the occasional fic is do-able. And then, they have to leap to mind like this one did.

Date: 2010-05-07 03:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
lol! Cracktastic :)

"She's listening, she just doesn't give a shit."


Date: 2010-05-09 11:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Cracktastic is what I do. :P Thanks for commenting!

Date: 2010-05-07 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
'She's listening, she just doesn't give a shit.' Oh, Jayne's right. I would bust a gut if River actually said that. What a cute piece! As much as I love the romance, sometimes a piece of cute pre-Rayne just hits the spot!

Date: 2010-05-09 11:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I had a feeling people would like that line when I wrote it, lol. I'm glad you liked the story, thanks for leaving me a comment. :)

Date: 2010-05-07 04:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yay! Squee! Other positive one-word exclamations of delight!

(Also, the first commenter's Sheldon icon is just swell.)

Date: 2010-05-09 11:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Squee! Thanks!

Date: 2010-05-07 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was funny. It was such a treat to see a fic from you. I love your stuff and haven't seen you around much. I hope your Rayne muse is back in force. :)

Date: 2010-05-09 11:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I wouldn't get used to seeing me around but I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

Date: 2010-05-07 06:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That was so cute and funny! It's so good to see you write some Rayne again. :D

Date: 2010-05-09 11:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you!

Date: 2010-05-07 07:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ahahahaha! I agree, this is the best line ever! --> “She’s listening, she just doesn’t give a shit.”

Date: 2010-05-09 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Glad you liked it! :)

Date: 2010-05-07 11:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
YAY!!!! You wrote some Rayne!!!! Hopefully we will see you around more ^___^

This was a delightful piece...I liked the beginning insight into Jayne's past...very intriguing!

Date: 2010-05-09 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
If being forced to recite poetry in front of your class doesn't tern you into a mercenary, I don't know what would. :P

Date: 2010-05-07 01:08 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] mystic_notions
That was very cute, I like it.

Date: 2010-05-09 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks. :D

Date: 2010-05-07 05:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
“She’s listening, she just doesn’t give a shit.”

Loved Jayne's version of a River comeback line -- especially since River herself had to crack up at that one!

This put a huge grin on my face. Thank you!

Date: 2010-05-09 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You're very welcome, thanks for reading!

Date: 2010-05-07 07:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Awesome story! Made me chuckle, I have to agree that the funniest line is "she's listening, she just doesn't give a shit.". So glad to see you writing stories again :) I can't wait to read more. Thanks for sharing.

Date: 2010-05-09 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You're welcome, thank you for reading/commenting!

Date: 2010-05-07 08:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Genius! Pure, freakin' genius! Had me in stitches, brilliant!

Date: 2010-05-09 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Glad I could deliver, thanks for reading! :D

Date: 2010-05-08 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i... this...too...funny *can't stop laughing* =D loved it!!

Date: 2010-05-09 11:42 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-05-08 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Didn't think I'd find this here when I checked my friends page. I loved it, it was really sweet. *grinz*

Date: 2010-05-09 11:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love you many times over.

Date: 2010-05-10 08:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
this made me giggle so hard I scared my dogs. Love it!

Date: 2010-05-13 05:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Poor doggies! D: I'm glad you liked it, though!

Date: 2010-05-12 10:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is just meltdown kinda funny. Totally believeable insanity.
I smell purple...bwhahahahaha

Thanks for this. Just great!

Date: 2010-05-13 05:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You're welcome. Thanks for reading!

Date: 2010-05-17 12:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oh god hi-larious!

I haven't read Rayne in ages, but when I saw you posted... I had to read!

That was good nostalgic fun!!!!

... and I also almost spat my coke everywhere...

Date: 2010-05-20 05:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, the nostalgia aspect was what made me write. "I was feeling crappy. I wrote fic. Then I felt happy! It'll work again!"

There are some LJers and stories I have to set beverages aside for fear I'll damage my keyboard/monitor/tower. There should be spit warnings. ;)


toxic_corn: Summer Glau is pretty. (Default)

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