Wolfram & Hart fic for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
curikitten's request
Sep. 10th, 2006 02:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
toxic_cornTitle: Five People Wolfram & Hart Were too GOOD to Represent
Author: Toxic Corn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Wolfram & Hart belongs to Joss Whedon. None of the people involved in the stories below actually did any of these things, I'm just making fun of them. This isn't real, I'm not makign money off of it, so don't sue me.
Notes: Really really really weird. The weirdest thing I've ever written. Part of the Five fic meme game. If you have an idea, visit the link and let me know.
Forcurikitten
1. Genocidal Fuckhead
“I’m afraid it’s out of the question, Herr Hitler,” the CEO said crisply.
“But they’ll find me!” the little man hissed. “I was told you could help!”
The CEO already looked bored. “You were misinformed. There’s really nothing we can do.”
He wasn’t used to being told no and turned purple. “I didn’t realize how very moral you were here at Wolfram & Hart!”
Sharply, the CEO rose from his seat. “Among the undesirables you had exterminated were demon clans of interest to this lawfirm. It wouldn’t be in our best interest to represent you.” The CEO sniffed. “I’d thank you to leave my office now before I call security to escort you out.”
The most evil man alive had to be shown off the premises, howling all the while.
END
2. I Love You
“Excuse me, miss, I’ve been waiting my turn politely for five days now. When am I going to see a lawyer?”
The secretary barely glanced up from filing her nails. “I’m sorry, sir, if you don’t have an appointment-”
“I made an appointment! Five days ago! And you’ve been letting people go ahead of me! That’s not fair!!”
“Sir, if you’re going to scream at me, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll just sit down and keep waiting then. You see,” he looked pleadingly at the apathetic secretary, “I really need this restraining order. That big yellow bird just won’t leave me alone!”
The secretary managed to resist rolling her eyes, but just barely. “Just take a seat, Mr. Barney. I’m sure it’ll be just another five minutes.”
“You said that yesterday,” Barney the purple dinosaur grumbled but sat down once more and picked up an issue of last month’s Vanity Fair.
END
3. That’s Hot
Wolfram & Hart had had advanced warning so their best guards were out front when she showed up.
“Hi, I need a really good lawyer? Someone hacked into my Sidekick and posted all my pictures and friends’ numbers on the internet.”
“Sorry, Wolfram & Hart has a full client database and can’t take any more.” The guard stood there, arms folded.
The woman looked shocked. “They what?”
“They’re full. Best find a different lawfirm.”
“But…” The woman looked horrified. “Do you even know who I am??”
“Oh, we know,” the guard said grimly.
The woman’s eyes filled with tears. “But… oh my god this is so retarded!” She took out her phone and dialed nine hundred of her closest friends and told them what happened.
“Come on, Paris,” her latest sycophant said, wrapping her arms around her weeping idol. “We’ll try Wolfram & Hart in New York.”
“That one’s full, too,” the guard said.
Paris Hilton burst into fresher tears and was led away while her boyfriend shoved at the guard until the police arrived and took him away.
Once the ruckus settled down, the guard took out a walkie talkie. “All clear, boss.”
“Oh, good. We’re evil but we have some scruples!”
END
**Note: This actually did happen.
4. Revolution
“This guy’s never gonna give up, is he?” Bob said, leafing through the papers his boss had given him to shred.
His friend Chris snorted. “Another letter?”
“I guess he thought we’d take him on.” Bob shook his head. “What a jackass.”
Chris finished shredding his own documents and stood up. “Guess he didn’t factor in how many people liked The Beatles. See ya at lunch, pal.”
“Yeah, see ya.” While shredding the letters from Mark David Chapman, Bob whistled “Revolution.”
END
5. In the Big Rock Candy Mountain
“Please, you have to do something! They’re going to hang me!”
The lawyer glared at the cowering man. “You know why I’m here?”
“B-because I called you?”
“Other than that!” the lawyer barked. “I remember back when we all just got to sit around all day. Watch the flowers grow… maybe eat a little fruit… play with my dog. Now do you know how I spend my afternoons?”
“H-how?”
“Working!” The lawyer glared down at the sorry man. “I hope they hang you twice. Now get out him out of here!”
Two hobo men grasped the man by each arm and dragged him from the room, humming to themselves happily.
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain,
The jails are made of tin.
You can slip right out again,
As soon as they put you in.
There ain't no short-handled shovels,
No axes, saws nor picks,
I'm bound to stay
Where you sleep all day,
Where they hung the jerk
That invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.
THE END
Author: Toxic Corn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Wolfram & Hart belongs to Joss Whedon. None of the people involved in the stories below actually did any of these things, I'm just making fun of them. This isn't real, I'm not makign money off of it, so don't sue me.
Notes: Really really really weird. The weirdest thing I've ever written. Part of the Five fic meme game. If you have an idea, visit the link and let me know.
For
curikitten1. Genocidal Fuckhead
“I’m afraid it’s out of the question, Herr Hitler,” the CEO said crisply.
“But they’ll find me!” the little man hissed. “I was told you could help!”
The CEO already looked bored. “You were misinformed. There’s really nothing we can do.”
He wasn’t used to being told no and turned purple. “I didn’t realize how very moral you were here at Wolfram & Hart!”
Sharply, the CEO rose from his seat. “Among the undesirables you had exterminated were demon clans of interest to this lawfirm. It wouldn’t be in our best interest to represent you.” The CEO sniffed. “I’d thank you to leave my office now before I call security to escort you out.”
The most evil man alive had to be shown off the premises, howling all the while.
END
2. I Love You
“Excuse me, miss, I’ve been waiting my turn politely for five days now. When am I going to see a lawyer?”
The secretary barely glanced up from filing her nails. “I’m sorry, sir, if you don’t have an appointment-”
“I made an appointment! Five days ago! And you’ve been letting people go ahead of me! That’s not fair!!”
“Sir, if you’re going to scream at me, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll just sit down and keep waiting then. You see,” he looked pleadingly at the apathetic secretary, “I really need this restraining order. That big yellow bird just won’t leave me alone!”
The secretary managed to resist rolling her eyes, but just barely. “Just take a seat, Mr. Barney. I’m sure it’ll be just another five minutes.”
“You said that yesterday,” Barney the purple dinosaur grumbled but sat down once more and picked up an issue of last month’s Vanity Fair.
END
3. That’s Hot
Wolfram & Hart had had advanced warning so their best guards were out front when she showed up.
“Hi, I need a really good lawyer? Someone hacked into my Sidekick and posted all my pictures and friends’ numbers on the internet.”
“Sorry, Wolfram & Hart has a full client database and can’t take any more.” The guard stood there, arms folded.
The woman looked shocked. “They what?”
“They’re full. Best find a different lawfirm.”
“But…” The woman looked horrified. “Do you even know who I am??”
“Oh, we know,” the guard said grimly.
The woman’s eyes filled with tears. “But… oh my god this is so retarded!” She took out her phone and dialed nine hundred of her closest friends and told them what happened.
“Come on, Paris,” her latest sycophant said, wrapping her arms around her weeping idol. “We’ll try Wolfram & Hart in New York.”
“That one’s full, too,” the guard said.
Paris Hilton burst into fresher tears and was led away while her boyfriend shoved at the guard until the police arrived and took him away.
Once the ruckus settled down, the guard took out a walkie talkie. “All clear, boss.”
“Oh, good. We’re evil but we have some scruples!”
END
**Note: This actually did happen.
4. Revolution
“This guy’s never gonna give up, is he?” Bob said, leafing through the papers his boss had given him to shred.
His friend Chris snorted. “Another letter?”
“I guess he thought we’d take him on.” Bob shook his head. “What a jackass.”
Chris finished shredding his own documents and stood up. “Guess he didn’t factor in how many people liked The Beatles. See ya at lunch, pal.”
“Yeah, see ya.” While shredding the letters from Mark David Chapman, Bob whistled “Revolution.”
END
5. In the Big Rock Candy Mountain
“Please, you have to do something! They’re going to hang me!”
The lawyer glared at the cowering man. “You know why I’m here?”
“B-because I called you?”
“Other than that!” the lawyer barked. “I remember back when we all just got to sit around all day. Watch the flowers grow… maybe eat a little fruit… play with my dog. Now do you know how I spend my afternoons?”
“H-how?”
“Working!” The lawyer glared down at the sorry man. “I hope they hang you twice. Now get out him out of here!”
Two hobo men grasped the man by each arm and dragged him from the room, humming to themselves happily.
The jails are made of tin.
You can slip right out again,
As soon as they put you in.
There ain't no short-handled shovels,
No axes, saws nor picks,
I'm bound to stay
Where you sleep all day,
Where they hung the jerk
That invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain.
THE END
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-09-11 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-11 06:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-11 04:15 am (UTC)I am so sleepified.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-11 06:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-30 06:48 pm (UTC)*snorts tea on screen*
I will prompt you with the fire of a thousand suns until the world as we know it ceases to exist because you are just Too. Damn. Good. at this!
*goes off to think of prompts*
no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 12:42 am (UTC)