Veronica Mars fic for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
curikitten's request
Sep. 9th, 2006 10:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
toxic_cornTitle: Five Cases Veronica Would Never Take
Author: Toxic Corn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Neptune and its many lovely inhabitants belong to Rob Thomas.
Summary: Crack. Crack crackity crack. I can't even defend this.
Notes:curikitten's request in the Five Fic meme game. Got a prompt? Leave one there.
Forcurikitten
1. Don’t Leave Me Hangin’ on the Telephone
“Mars Investigations.”
“Yeah uh, hi, this is Bill.”
Veronica raised an eyebrow. “You got a last name there, Bill?”
“Um… Waterson.”
She started rummaging through the top drawer of the desk. “And how may we help you today, Mr. Waterson?”
“See, like, my pants get tight every time I talk to a hot chick.” There was snickering from the other end and Bill shushed them. Veronica’s fingers closed around the object she was looking for. “I was wondering if you could come investi-”
Veronica held the mini air horn to the receiver and sounded it once, sharply.
Keith Mars popped his head out of his office. “Another dirty phone call?”
“Yep.” Veronica dropped the phone back into its cradle, cutting off the screaming from the other end.
“That’s the third time this week,” Keith said, bemused.
Veronica smiled sweetly. “I think it’ll stop now.”
END
2. How Does It Feel When You Got No Herb?
Veronica was taking care of some filing when Corny walked in the door.
“Corny, what brings you here?” Veronica asked, surprised.
“I’m in like, dire need of your expertise, Veronica,” Corny said, all wide-eyed seriousness. “Only you can help me.”
“Dire, huh? Better not use the Hello Kitty pen for this one, then.” She picked an inoffensive Mars Investigations pen and gestured to the chair in front of the desk. “Take a seat.”
Corny sat down. “Okay, so last night our AC was on the fritz so I had to sleep with the window open if I didn’t want to like, die. Right before I went to bed, I put my hash in my sock drawer and when I looked this morning,” he paused dramatically, “it was gone, man!”
Veronica put the pen down. “Let me make sure I understand this: You want me to find your missing drugs?”
“I can pay!” Corny exclaimed, then tugged on one of his curls. “I mean, like, you got some installment plans, right?”
“Corny, I can’t help you,” Veronica said, firmly.
“Awww, Veronica!”
“I’m sorry.”
With great dignity, Corny stood up. “You’re gonna regret this, Mars. There’s more to this than missing pot and when the case cracks open, you’ll be pissed it wasn’t you to do it.”
“I’ll take that chance,” Veronica said.
When Corny left, Veronica dropped her head to the desk. She needed to get out of here.
END
3. I Thought That They Were Angels
Veronica sank into the Hut’s most comfortable couch and took a cautious sip of her mocha latte, glancing at the door for Wallace.
“Excuse me, um. You’re Veronica Mars, right?”
Warily, Veronica looked up at the twitchy young man in front of her. “Got it in one.”
He looked confused for a second but then continued. “I’m Tyler Mann, Corny’s dealer? He told me you were really cool and good at finding stuff out?”
“For a fee,” she said flatly. “I should tell you right now that if you’re trying to find missing pot, I’m not your girl.”
“How’d you know? I mean, I’m missing pot but that’s not-” Tyler sat down, uninvited. “It’s… something happened to me last night.”
“Did it now?” Veronica looked at her watch. Wallace better get his ass here in the next five minutes or he could himself a new B.F.F.
“Yeah.” Tyler pitched his voice lower, leaning towards her. “See, last night when I was sleeping, these really weird dudes took me away. I couldn’t tell where we were but it was like a really creepy hospital. They did all these weird tests and they… they… they stuck something up my butt!”
This had to be a joke. Any second now, Ashton Kutcher would leap out, screaming she’d been Punk’d.
“What do you expect me to do?” Veronica asked. “Anal surgery isn’t in my job description.”
“Find out who those dudes were!” Tyler looked at her like she was dense. “I can’t have this thing in my butt, man.”
“I have to leave now,” Veronica said, disgustedly. She got up and practically ran to the door, dialing Wallace on her phone so she could call a plague on his house.
“BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BUTT?!” Tyler screamed.
Everyone in the Hut fell silent and looked to Veronica for her response.
She held the phone up to her ear and hissed, “Go see a proctologist!”
END
4. Secret Agent Man
“And then the guy starts screaming about his anal probe! There’s no way you can make that up to me Fennel!”
“Veronica-”
“No! Those are images in my head I’m never going to get out. That’s wasted brain space that would be better occupied by chem equations or shirtless Jude Law!”
“Okay, Veronica,” Wallace said, placating. “What can I do so you’ll forgive me?”
“I don’t know,” Veronica admitted. “I’ll have to think about it, but until I do, you’re officially on notice, got it?”
“Got it. I’ll talk to you later, okay? I got that study group thing in an hour and I want to finish this.”
“Okay. Bye.” Veronica’s tone could’ve frozen a backyard pool in August.
“Bye.”
Veronica tossed the phone into her bag with a frustrated huff. Leave it to a guy to get caught up in a Halo tournament and miss coffee with his best friend.
She clicked on her seatbelt and adjusted the rearview mirror to reveal a man in a hat and dark glasses sitting in her back seat. Horrible Aaron Echolls thoughts crossed her mind and she jumped, screaming.
“Don’t be frightened, I mean you no harm.” The man pulled out a badge. “I’m Special Agent Gilmore.”
This had been the weirdest day ever. She half expected to wake up and have an odd dream to tell her psych class come Monday.
“What do you want?” Veronica asked shakily.
“Sources tell me you’re an investigator,” Gilmore said. “A good one. We’re going to need as many people as we can on this.”
“On what?” Veronica cried.
“Judging from your phonecall just now, you already know some of it. Alien space craft have been spotted around Neptune’s airways and we’ve been called in to investigate. Apparently, they’re infiltrating the drug industry and-”
“Is this a joke?” Veronica demanded.
“I never joke, Ms. Mars,” Gilmore replied.
Veronica massaged her temples. “If you want help, you’d have better luck with the sheriff.” Let Lamb deal with his psychopath.
“I’m sorry, that department is too inept for an operation this delicate. If we can count on you to-”
“You can’t,” Veronica said, shortly. “I’m tired and I have a headache and I can’t help you with little green stoner men.”
“Ms. Mars, I beg you to reconsider.”
“Beg all you want. Please just get out of my car, Special Agent Gilmore.”
The man stared at her for a long moment then climbed out of her car.
“Alien drug conspiracy,” Veronica muttered. “That’s one for the blog.”
END
5. I Saw the News Today, Oh Boy
When Veronica got home to the little house she shared with Logan, she went straight to the bedroom and crashed for a few hours. When she woke up and tottered out to the living room, she found it in a shambles.
“Logan?!” she cried.
He popped out from behind a chair. “Hey, ‘Ronica.”
“I know we talked about redecorating the place but isn’t this a little extreme?”
“I can’t find the remote,” Logan said, getting up. “Now that you’re awake, you’re on the case. Find it in the next five minutes and I’ll give you a bonus.”
“Sorry, I’m off the clock.” Veronica shook her head. “Why don’t you just change the channels manually?”
He started ripping the cushions off the couch. “That’s too much work.”
The day had sapped her of all will to argue and she sank into the chair to watch whatever was on tv now.
“Here’s Channel 7 News at 7!” A perky brunette informed them.
“Oh no,” Logan said and stepped up his search.
Veronica smiled until the newscaster continued, “Shocking news from Neptune, California: Close Encounters of the Stoned kind! Reports of UFO sightings prompted an FBI investigation which yielded stunning results. Out in the field is Bonnie Durbin. Bonnie?”
The picture shifted to a blonde reporter in a residential neighborhood. “Thanks, Cheryl. I’m here in the very neighborhood the final showdown took place. The SWAT team, led by Special Agent Cameron Gilmore frightened away extra terrestrials who were looking for marijuana, the very substance they use to fuel their faster than light travel crafts. And the mastermind who figured this out was Neptune’s own Douglas Cornelius!”
A pre-recorded interview clip showed Corny, grinning. “I just like, put two and two together, you know?”
“Found it,” Logan said quietly. He turned up the volume on the tv just as a press conference with Gilmore started up.
“No, turn it off,” Veronica said irritably.
Logan did so. “You know, Dick called me earlier today to tell me his weed disappeared. Now it all makes sense in an Outer Limits kind of way.” He frowned. “He called again later and it sounded like he’d gone deaf or something. Kept calling you a bitch.”
“That’s our Dick, always the charmer.” Veronica sighed and got up out of the chair. “I’m going back to bed.”
Logan perked up. “Can I come too?”
Veronica smiled and took his hand, tugging him to their bedroom, determined that this miserable day have a happy end.
The End
Author: Toxic Corn
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Neptune and its many lovely inhabitants belong to Rob Thomas.
Summary: Crack. Crack crackity crack. I can't even defend this.
Notes:
curikitten's request in the Five Fic meme game. Got a prompt? Leave one there. For
curikitten1. Don’t Leave Me Hangin’ on the Telephone
“Mars Investigations.”
“Yeah uh, hi, this is Bill.”
Veronica raised an eyebrow. “You got a last name there, Bill?”
“Um… Waterson.”
She started rummaging through the top drawer of the desk. “And how may we help you today, Mr. Waterson?”
“See, like, my pants get tight every time I talk to a hot chick.” There was snickering from the other end and Bill shushed them. Veronica’s fingers closed around the object she was looking for. “I was wondering if you could come investi-”
Veronica held the mini air horn to the receiver and sounded it once, sharply.
Keith Mars popped his head out of his office. “Another dirty phone call?”
“Yep.” Veronica dropped the phone back into its cradle, cutting off the screaming from the other end.
“That’s the third time this week,” Keith said, bemused.
Veronica smiled sweetly. “I think it’ll stop now.”
END
2. How Does It Feel When You Got No Herb?
Veronica was taking care of some filing when Corny walked in the door.
“Corny, what brings you here?” Veronica asked, surprised.
“I’m in like, dire need of your expertise, Veronica,” Corny said, all wide-eyed seriousness. “Only you can help me.”
“Dire, huh? Better not use the Hello Kitty pen for this one, then.” She picked an inoffensive Mars Investigations pen and gestured to the chair in front of the desk. “Take a seat.”
Corny sat down. “Okay, so last night our AC was on the fritz so I had to sleep with the window open if I didn’t want to like, die. Right before I went to bed, I put my hash in my sock drawer and when I looked this morning,” he paused dramatically, “it was gone, man!”
Veronica put the pen down. “Let me make sure I understand this: You want me to find your missing drugs?”
“I can pay!” Corny exclaimed, then tugged on one of his curls. “I mean, like, you got some installment plans, right?”
“Corny, I can’t help you,” Veronica said, firmly.
“Awww, Veronica!”
“I’m sorry.”
With great dignity, Corny stood up. “You’re gonna regret this, Mars. There’s more to this than missing pot and when the case cracks open, you’ll be pissed it wasn’t you to do it.”
“I’ll take that chance,” Veronica said.
When Corny left, Veronica dropped her head to the desk. She needed to get out of here.
END
3. I Thought That They Were Angels
Veronica sank into the Hut’s most comfortable couch and took a cautious sip of her mocha latte, glancing at the door for Wallace.
“Excuse me, um. You’re Veronica Mars, right?”
Warily, Veronica looked up at the twitchy young man in front of her. “Got it in one.”
He looked confused for a second but then continued. “I’m Tyler Mann, Corny’s dealer? He told me you were really cool and good at finding stuff out?”
“For a fee,” she said flatly. “I should tell you right now that if you’re trying to find missing pot, I’m not your girl.”
“How’d you know? I mean, I’m missing pot but that’s not-” Tyler sat down, uninvited. “It’s… something happened to me last night.”
“Did it now?” Veronica looked at her watch. Wallace better get his ass here in the next five minutes or he could himself a new B.F.F.
“Yeah.” Tyler pitched his voice lower, leaning towards her. “See, last night when I was sleeping, these really weird dudes took me away. I couldn’t tell where we were but it was like a really creepy hospital. They did all these weird tests and they… they… they stuck something up my butt!”
This had to be a joke. Any second now, Ashton Kutcher would leap out, screaming she’d been Punk’d.
“What do you expect me to do?” Veronica asked. “Anal surgery isn’t in my job description.”
“Find out who those dudes were!” Tyler looked at her like she was dense. “I can’t have this thing in my butt, man.”
“I have to leave now,” Veronica said, disgustedly. She got up and practically ran to the door, dialing Wallace on her phone so she could call a plague on his house.
“BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BUTT?!” Tyler screamed.
Everyone in the Hut fell silent and looked to Veronica for her response.
She held the phone up to her ear and hissed, “Go see a proctologist!”
END
4. Secret Agent Man
“And then the guy starts screaming about his anal probe! There’s no way you can make that up to me Fennel!”
“Veronica-”
“No! Those are images in my head I’m never going to get out. That’s wasted brain space that would be better occupied by chem equations or shirtless Jude Law!”
“Okay, Veronica,” Wallace said, placating. “What can I do so you’ll forgive me?”
“I don’t know,” Veronica admitted. “I’ll have to think about it, but until I do, you’re officially on notice, got it?”
“Got it. I’ll talk to you later, okay? I got that study group thing in an hour and I want to finish this.”
“Okay. Bye.” Veronica’s tone could’ve frozen a backyard pool in August.
“Bye.”
Veronica tossed the phone into her bag with a frustrated huff. Leave it to a guy to get caught up in a Halo tournament and miss coffee with his best friend.
She clicked on her seatbelt and adjusted the rearview mirror to reveal a man in a hat and dark glasses sitting in her back seat. Horrible Aaron Echolls thoughts crossed her mind and she jumped, screaming.
“Don’t be frightened, I mean you no harm.” The man pulled out a badge. “I’m Special Agent Gilmore.”
This had been the weirdest day ever. She half expected to wake up and have an odd dream to tell her psych class come Monday.
“What do you want?” Veronica asked shakily.
“Sources tell me you’re an investigator,” Gilmore said. “A good one. We’re going to need as many people as we can on this.”
“On what?” Veronica cried.
“Judging from your phonecall just now, you already know some of it. Alien space craft have been spotted around Neptune’s airways and we’ve been called in to investigate. Apparently, they’re infiltrating the drug industry and-”
“Is this a joke?” Veronica demanded.
“I never joke, Ms. Mars,” Gilmore replied.
Veronica massaged her temples. “If you want help, you’d have better luck with the sheriff.” Let Lamb deal with his psychopath.
“I’m sorry, that department is too inept for an operation this delicate. If we can count on you to-”
“You can’t,” Veronica said, shortly. “I’m tired and I have a headache and I can’t help you with little green stoner men.”
“Ms. Mars, I beg you to reconsider.”
“Beg all you want. Please just get out of my car, Special Agent Gilmore.”
The man stared at her for a long moment then climbed out of her car.
“Alien drug conspiracy,” Veronica muttered. “That’s one for the blog.”
END
5. I Saw the News Today, Oh Boy
When Veronica got home to the little house she shared with Logan, she went straight to the bedroom and crashed for a few hours. When she woke up and tottered out to the living room, she found it in a shambles.
“Logan?!” she cried.
He popped out from behind a chair. “Hey, ‘Ronica.”
“I know we talked about redecorating the place but isn’t this a little extreme?”
“I can’t find the remote,” Logan said, getting up. “Now that you’re awake, you’re on the case. Find it in the next five minutes and I’ll give you a bonus.”
“Sorry, I’m off the clock.” Veronica shook her head. “Why don’t you just change the channels manually?”
He started ripping the cushions off the couch. “That’s too much work.”
The day had sapped her of all will to argue and she sank into the chair to watch whatever was on tv now.
“Here’s Channel 7 News at 7!” A perky brunette informed them.
“Oh no,” Logan said and stepped up his search.
Veronica smiled until the newscaster continued, “Shocking news from Neptune, California: Close Encounters of the Stoned kind! Reports of UFO sightings prompted an FBI investigation which yielded stunning results. Out in the field is Bonnie Durbin. Bonnie?”
The picture shifted to a blonde reporter in a residential neighborhood. “Thanks, Cheryl. I’m here in the very neighborhood the final showdown took place. The SWAT team, led by Special Agent Cameron Gilmore frightened away extra terrestrials who were looking for marijuana, the very substance they use to fuel their faster than light travel crafts. And the mastermind who figured this out was Neptune’s own Douglas Cornelius!”
A pre-recorded interview clip showed Corny, grinning. “I just like, put two and two together, you know?”
“Found it,” Logan said quietly. He turned up the volume on the tv just as a press conference with Gilmore started up.
“No, turn it off,” Veronica said irritably.
Logan did so. “You know, Dick called me earlier today to tell me his weed disappeared. Now it all makes sense in an Outer Limits kind of way.” He frowned. “He called again later and it sounded like he’d gone deaf or something. Kept calling you a bitch.”
“That’s our Dick, always the charmer.” Veronica sighed and got up out of the chair. “I’m going back to bed.”
Logan perked up. “Can I come too?”
Veronica smiled and took his hand, tugging him to their bedroom, determined that this miserable day have a happy end.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-09-09 06:38 pm (UTC)“Here’s Channel 7 News at 7!” A perky brunette informed them.
“Oh no,” Logan said and stepped up his search.
Yup. I love Logan.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-09 06:42 pm (UTC)