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toxic_cornTitle: A Pox On You
Author: toxic_corn
Pairing: River/Jayne
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Everything is Joss's. Not mine.
Summary: River and Jayne get separated from the crew with itchy results.
Notes: Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
theneis's prompt at my Rayne request post.
A Pox On You
“If I ever hear ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ ever again, I’m gonna puke,” Jayne snarled as he and River Tam came up out of the basement of the orphanage they’d been hiding the last 24 hours.
“I might, too,” River said, absently. “I don’t know where the captain is.” She led the way down the darkened sidewalk and from the building they’d left, ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ came drifting down toward them from an opened window.
“Don’t they know anymore songs?!” Jayne whisper-shouted and scratched at his cheek.
River just smiled, though all Jayne could see in the dark was a sudden flash of white. He scowled to himself and scratched at his side, wishing Mal had been better prepared for the deal going sour. It happened often enough; you’d think they’d have a better plan in place. Or any plan at all, Jayne wasn’t fancy. Just something so he didn’t end up split from the group and hiding out with a barely-sane girl in an orphanage where if the kids weren’t singing they were crying or screaming.
“Right, so here’s what I’m thinkin’. We get as far as we can from this place and hail the ship, tell ‘em where we are, and then get gone.” Jayne scratched at his side.
“That’s a good plan. I was thinking that we march up to the first lawman we see and turn ourselves in, but yes, calling the others for help is much better.”
They paused and ducked further into the shadows when they heard someone up ahead a little ways walking toward them. He started rubbing his back against the wall to alleviate a sudden itch.
“Are you bein’ sarcastic?” he whispered.
“Yes. It’s one of my quirky character traits you’ve never bothered to notice before,” she whispered back.
“Touch-ee,” he retorted and fell silent as the person passed by them, unaware of their presence.
“Why do you keep scratching at yourself?” River demanded when it was safe.
Jayne set off down the sidewalk and spotted an inn up ahead. “Funny thing about us humans; we get a weird tingly sensation sometimes called an itch and then we scratch it to feel better!”
“I know about itches! And are you implying I’m not human?!” Under the inn’s awning, River planted her hands on her hips and glared up at him.
“Dontcha usually do that yourself?” He rubbed his fists into his eyes. “Boo hoo, I don’t know if I’m real! Am I a girl or a weapon? Simon! EEEEEEEEEEEE, Simon, I don’t know if I’m re- OOF!” He doubled over when River socked him in the gut.
“You are a wretched excuse for a man!” River snapped and held the door open for him. “Get inside before I show you how much of a weapon I am.”
Jayne glared at her and headed inside to the front desk where the innkeeper was napping. Still pissed off at River, he took it out on the gent by slamming his fist on the little bell a zillion times, snapping the poor guy out of his sleep so strongly that he fell out of his chair.
“Rooms!” Jayne snapped.
“You’re a boor!” River exclaimed as she came up alongside him.
“And you’re a hoor,” he retorted and then snickered.
The innkeeper got shakily to his feet. “Two rooms?” he asked and then frowned in consternation when he looked at Jayne’s face. “Fella, your face don’t look so good.”
“Hey! You ain’t a looker yourself!” Jayne scratched at his chin, scowling.
River took hold of his elbow and turned him toward her. When she got a good look at his face she gasped. “Jayne! You have chicken pox!”
“Oh. Chicken what?”
~*~
“Chicken what?” Mal repeated, looking dumbfounded.
“Pox,” Simon replied. “It’s caused by varicella-zoster virus, one of the eight herpes viruses known to man.”
“Oh, don’t tell me I got no herpes!” Jayne’s voice whined from the screen, making Simon smirk.
“It’s fairly harmless, but at your advanced age, it could be deadly,” Simon said.
Kaylee looked worried. “How come we never heard of this before?”
“Because it’s been largely eradicated,” Simon told her, gently. “Core children are immunized for the virus and it’s only been known to crop up on the planets that are… not very well off.”
“Like the one we were just on,” Zoe said, sharing a look with Mal.
“Right. If you get chicken pox when you’re a child, you should be immune from it the rest of your life. Have any of you had the virus before?”
Mal, Zoe, and Kaylee looked at one another and then back at Simon, shaking their heads. Inara, having been immunized for every disease imaginable, didn’t respond since the answer was obvious.
Simon sighed. “Okay. Well, River’s immunized so she won’t get it. We can’t risk bringing them back on board and infecting the crew.”
“You mean we gotta stay here?” Jayne howled. “For how long?”
“Two weeks,” Simon replied.
“Two weeks?!! Damn those orphans’ eyes for givin’ me gorram chicken pox! Mal, I can’t stay here with her for two weeks, ya gotta-”
“What’s that?” Mal cupped a hand behind his ear and reached for one of the dials, twisting it so the screen started scrambling. “We can’t read you, Jayne. We’ll check in with you in two weeks and we’ll set up a rendezvous, dong ma?”
“Mal, don’t pull this with me or I swear I’ll-”
Mal turned off the screen and beamed at his crew. “It’s gonna be a nice, quiet two weeks, folks.”
~*~
Jayne glared at the oven mitts taped around his hands. “This is stupid.”
River looked up from her book and shrugged. “You wouldn’t stop scratching.”
“Because I itch.”
They’d been over this multiple times the last three days and River was getting weary of the same complaints over and over. She was relieved when someone knocked at the door.
“Package for River Cobb!” a voice on the other side said.
“Cobb?” Jayne repeated, raising an eyebrow.
“I can’t use my real name; the Alliance could still be looking for me.” She went to the door, signed the clipboard and accepted the package. When she closed the door again, Jayne craned his neck eagerly.
“Post? Maybe my ma sent me something?”
“Yes, sent you something using my name.” She shook her head and started opening the box. “It’s your medicine from Simon.”
“Oh. Well, that’s just as good.” He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Wait. Medicine?”
“For your fever and for your itching.”
“It don’t taste bad, does it?”
River pulled out two bottles and showed him. “One of these is a simple pill you can take and the other is calamine lotion.” She went and got Jayne a glass of water and handed him one of the pills and he swallowed it down as she opened the lotion bottle. “Take off your shirt.”
He grinned wolfishly. “Wanna get me nekkid?”
“Wanna rub lotion on you,” she said back and then realized that that sounded just as dirty.
Jayne’s grin spread and he whipped off his shirt. “Go wild, then.”
“You’re so revolting,” she said but didn’t put much heat into it. He had a nice chest; it would look much better without the blisters all over it.
“You gonna get rubbin’ anytime soon, now?” Jayne asked teasingly. “Or were you gonna keep gawpin’ at me?”
River forced her eyes from his well sculpted chest and cleared her throat. “Turn around, let’s get your back first.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He turned on the bed and lay on his stomach. “If you wanna gimmie a massage while you’re at it, I won’t argue.”
“Noted,” she said, crisply and squeezed some of the lotion onto his back.
“Ahhhhhhh,” he moaned, low in his throat and River felt her insides drop. “Nice ‘n cool. Mmmmm.”
“Yes, I’m sure it’s nice. You’re very hot.”
“That’s what they say,” he replied in that same teasing tone. She had to stop setting up these lines for him. It was getting a little ridiculous.
Choosing not to dignify what he said with a comment, River rubbed the lotion all over Jayne’s chicken pox-ridden back. He let out a rumbling sound in his throat that took her a moment to recognize as a purr. She giggled, rubbing some on his sides.
“That lotion’s really doin’ it,” he mumbled and lifted his hips up a moment before dropping back down to the bed.
“Yes. The efficacy of calamine lotion has never been proven but it has an amazing placebo effect.”
He lifted a hand and waved a finger. “Right. There’s that.”
River had to smile. “You don’t even know what I’m talking about.”
“Nope. But I’m feelin’ too damn good right now to care.”
“I was expecting you to say ‘When do I ever know what you’re talking about.’” She squeezed some more lotion into her hands. “Roll over.”
“Why would I tell you to roll over?”
“I wasn’t speaking as you anymore; I’m telling you to roll over so I can get some of this on your front.”
With surprisingly no argument, Jayne rolled over. “Is this gonna get all over the bed?”
“It’s dried, don’t worry.” She started smearing the lotion on his chest and it was as she was caressing his pecs that she realized, “You could probably get this part yourself.”
“Why’d I wanna do that when you’re doin’ such a fine job?” he drawled and smiled up at her lazily.
“I think the medication is having an effect now,” she said, wryly.
“I think you’re havin’ an effect now,” he answered.
“You have an answer for everything, don’t you?”
“That’s how conversations work, yeah.”
River snorted and then stopped herself from smoothing a hand up and down his chest one more time just for the sake of it. She squeezed out a dollop of lotion onto her finger and started dabbing at the blisters on his face.
Jayne watched her with an odd look on his face. “You know, you ain’t half bad lookin’.”
“Thank you. I think.” River continued dabbing his face, not looking into his eyes.
“I meant it nice.” He shrugged. “Surprised you’re takin’ such good care o’ me, all things considered.”
“You need care and I’m the only one here to provide it. That’s all.” Just a few more blisters left and then she could get away from him.
His tone turned low and knowing. “I don’t know about that. You sure liked rubbin’ my chest a few seconds ago.”
She quickly stopped the mortification before it could manifest on her face. Why should she be ashamed? She met his gaze and said sharply, “So? I find your body pleasing. Is that so wrong?”
He blinked in surprise. “Wrong? Huh uh. I was just sayin’, that’s all. That you ‘found my body pleasing’ and it wasn’t just you playin’ nursemaid cuz your brother asked you to.”
“Oh,” she said, not knowing what else to say.
Eyes glowing, he reached out to caress her side but they both ended up laughing when his touching her bare skin was hindered by the oven mitts.
“Maybe when you’re feeling better?” River suggested with a smile.
Jayne grinned back.
~*~
The whole crew was waiting for them when they strode up the ramp onto Serenity. They’d barely made it two steps before Mal held up his hand to stop them. “Wait! Doc, Jayne still has the pox! There‘s marks all over his face!”
Jayne scowled. “I’m better!”
Simon came forward and gave the marks a cursory inspection. “They’ve scabbed over; he’s not contagious any more.”
“Welcome back, you two!” Kaylee chirped. “It’s been so long since you were last on the ship, what do ya feel like doin’?”
Everyone was surprised when Jayne’s eyes darkened and he looped an arm around River’s waist, pulling her flush against his chest.
“Whaddya think? Wanna try it now without the oven mitts?”
River’s face brightened and she nodded, taking Jayne’s hand and running with him off to her room in the passenger dorms.
Mal looked disturbed. “Doc? Uh, was that another symptom of chicken pox or…?”
Simon rubbed his face with his hand. “No. That was your standard case of mutual attraction.”
“Still rather think it’s the pox,” Mal muttered and pressed the button to close up the bay before any more diseases named after barnyard animals could find its way inside.
THE END
Author: toxic_corn
Pairing: River/Jayne
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Everything is Joss's. Not mine.
Summary: River and Jayne get separated from the crew with itchy results.
Notes: Written for
theneis's prompt at my Rayne request post.A Pox On You
“If I ever hear ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ ever again, I’m gonna puke,” Jayne snarled as he and River Tam came up out of the basement of the orphanage they’d been hiding the last 24 hours.
“I might, too,” River said, absently. “I don’t know where the captain is.” She led the way down the darkened sidewalk and from the building they’d left, ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ came drifting down toward them from an opened window.
“Don’t they know anymore songs?!” Jayne whisper-shouted and scratched at his cheek.
River just smiled, though all Jayne could see in the dark was a sudden flash of white. He scowled to himself and scratched at his side, wishing Mal had been better prepared for the deal going sour. It happened often enough; you’d think they’d have a better plan in place. Or any plan at all, Jayne wasn’t fancy. Just something so he didn’t end up split from the group and hiding out with a barely-sane girl in an orphanage where if the kids weren’t singing they were crying or screaming.
“Right, so here’s what I’m thinkin’. We get as far as we can from this place and hail the ship, tell ‘em where we are, and then get gone.” Jayne scratched at his side.
“That’s a good plan. I was thinking that we march up to the first lawman we see and turn ourselves in, but yes, calling the others for help is much better.”
They paused and ducked further into the shadows when they heard someone up ahead a little ways walking toward them. He started rubbing his back against the wall to alleviate a sudden itch.
“Are you bein’ sarcastic?” he whispered.
“Yes. It’s one of my quirky character traits you’ve never bothered to notice before,” she whispered back.
“Touch-ee,” he retorted and fell silent as the person passed by them, unaware of their presence.
“Why do you keep scratching at yourself?” River demanded when it was safe.
Jayne set off down the sidewalk and spotted an inn up ahead. “Funny thing about us humans; we get a weird tingly sensation sometimes called an itch and then we scratch it to feel better!”
“I know about itches! And are you implying I’m not human?!” Under the inn’s awning, River planted her hands on her hips and glared up at him.
“Dontcha usually do that yourself?” He rubbed his fists into his eyes. “Boo hoo, I don’t know if I’m real! Am I a girl or a weapon? Simon! EEEEEEEEEEEE, Simon, I don’t know if I’m re- OOF!” He doubled over when River socked him in the gut.
“You are a wretched excuse for a man!” River snapped and held the door open for him. “Get inside before I show you how much of a weapon I am.”
Jayne glared at her and headed inside to the front desk where the innkeeper was napping. Still pissed off at River, he took it out on the gent by slamming his fist on the little bell a zillion times, snapping the poor guy out of his sleep so strongly that he fell out of his chair.
“Rooms!” Jayne snapped.
“You’re a boor!” River exclaimed as she came up alongside him.
“And you’re a hoor,” he retorted and then snickered.
The innkeeper got shakily to his feet. “Two rooms?” he asked and then frowned in consternation when he looked at Jayne’s face. “Fella, your face don’t look so good.”
“Hey! You ain’t a looker yourself!” Jayne scratched at his chin, scowling.
River took hold of his elbow and turned him toward her. When she got a good look at his face she gasped. “Jayne! You have chicken pox!”
“Oh. Chicken what?”
“Chicken what?” Mal repeated, looking dumbfounded.
“Pox,” Simon replied. “It’s caused by varicella-zoster virus, one of the eight herpes viruses known to man.”
“Oh, don’t tell me I got no herpes!” Jayne’s voice whined from the screen, making Simon smirk.
“It’s fairly harmless, but at your advanced age, it could be deadly,” Simon said.
Kaylee looked worried. “How come we never heard of this before?”
“Because it’s been largely eradicated,” Simon told her, gently. “Core children are immunized for the virus and it’s only been known to crop up on the planets that are… not very well off.”
“Like the one we were just on,” Zoe said, sharing a look with Mal.
“Right. If you get chicken pox when you’re a child, you should be immune from it the rest of your life. Have any of you had the virus before?”
Mal, Zoe, and Kaylee looked at one another and then back at Simon, shaking their heads. Inara, having been immunized for every disease imaginable, didn’t respond since the answer was obvious.
Simon sighed. “Okay. Well, River’s immunized so she won’t get it. We can’t risk bringing them back on board and infecting the crew.”
“You mean we gotta stay here?” Jayne howled. “For how long?”
“Two weeks,” Simon replied.
“Two weeks?!! Damn those orphans’ eyes for givin’ me gorram chicken pox! Mal, I can’t stay here with her for two weeks, ya gotta-”
“What’s that?” Mal cupped a hand behind his ear and reached for one of the dials, twisting it so the screen started scrambling. “We can’t read you, Jayne. We’ll check in with you in two weeks and we’ll set up a rendezvous, dong ma?”
“Mal, don’t pull this with me or I swear I’ll-”
Mal turned off the screen and beamed at his crew. “It’s gonna be a nice, quiet two weeks, folks.”
Jayne glared at the oven mitts taped around his hands. “This is stupid.”
River looked up from her book and shrugged. “You wouldn’t stop scratching.”
“Because I itch.”
They’d been over this multiple times the last three days and River was getting weary of the same complaints over and over. She was relieved when someone knocked at the door.
“Package for River Cobb!” a voice on the other side said.
“Cobb?” Jayne repeated, raising an eyebrow.
“I can’t use my real name; the Alliance could still be looking for me.” She went to the door, signed the clipboard and accepted the package. When she closed the door again, Jayne craned his neck eagerly.
“Post? Maybe my ma sent me something?”
“Yes, sent you something using my name.” She shook her head and started opening the box. “It’s your medicine from Simon.”
“Oh. Well, that’s just as good.” He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Wait. Medicine?”
“For your fever and for your itching.”
“It don’t taste bad, does it?”
River pulled out two bottles and showed him. “One of these is a simple pill you can take and the other is calamine lotion.” She went and got Jayne a glass of water and handed him one of the pills and he swallowed it down as she opened the lotion bottle. “Take off your shirt.”
He grinned wolfishly. “Wanna get me nekkid?”
“Wanna rub lotion on you,” she said back and then realized that that sounded just as dirty.
Jayne’s grin spread and he whipped off his shirt. “Go wild, then.”
“You’re so revolting,” she said but didn’t put much heat into it. He had a nice chest; it would look much better without the blisters all over it.
“You gonna get rubbin’ anytime soon, now?” Jayne asked teasingly. “Or were you gonna keep gawpin’ at me?”
River forced her eyes from his well sculpted chest and cleared her throat. “Turn around, let’s get your back first.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He turned on the bed and lay on his stomach. “If you wanna gimmie a massage while you’re at it, I won’t argue.”
“Noted,” she said, crisply and squeezed some of the lotion onto his back.
“Ahhhhhhh,” he moaned, low in his throat and River felt her insides drop. “Nice ‘n cool. Mmmmm.”
“Yes, I’m sure it’s nice. You’re very hot.”
“That’s what they say,” he replied in that same teasing tone. She had to stop setting up these lines for him. It was getting a little ridiculous.
Choosing not to dignify what he said with a comment, River rubbed the lotion all over Jayne’s chicken pox-ridden back. He let out a rumbling sound in his throat that took her a moment to recognize as a purr. She giggled, rubbing some on his sides.
“That lotion’s really doin’ it,” he mumbled and lifted his hips up a moment before dropping back down to the bed.
“Yes. The efficacy of calamine lotion has never been proven but it has an amazing placebo effect.”
He lifted a hand and waved a finger. “Right. There’s that.”
River had to smile. “You don’t even know what I’m talking about.”
“Nope. But I’m feelin’ too damn good right now to care.”
“I was expecting you to say ‘When do I ever know what you’re talking about.’” She squeezed some more lotion into her hands. “Roll over.”
“Why would I tell you to roll over?”
“I wasn’t speaking as you anymore; I’m telling you to roll over so I can get some of this on your front.”
With surprisingly no argument, Jayne rolled over. “Is this gonna get all over the bed?”
“It’s dried, don’t worry.” She started smearing the lotion on his chest and it was as she was caressing his pecs that she realized, “You could probably get this part yourself.”
“Why’d I wanna do that when you’re doin’ such a fine job?” he drawled and smiled up at her lazily.
“I think the medication is having an effect now,” she said, wryly.
“I think you’re havin’ an effect now,” he answered.
“You have an answer for everything, don’t you?”
“That’s how conversations work, yeah.”
River snorted and then stopped herself from smoothing a hand up and down his chest one more time just for the sake of it. She squeezed out a dollop of lotion onto her finger and started dabbing at the blisters on his face.
Jayne watched her with an odd look on his face. “You know, you ain’t half bad lookin’.”
“Thank you. I think.” River continued dabbing his face, not looking into his eyes.
“I meant it nice.” He shrugged. “Surprised you’re takin’ such good care o’ me, all things considered.”
“You need care and I’m the only one here to provide it. That’s all.” Just a few more blisters left and then she could get away from him.
His tone turned low and knowing. “I don’t know about that. You sure liked rubbin’ my chest a few seconds ago.”
She quickly stopped the mortification before it could manifest on her face. Why should she be ashamed? She met his gaze and said sharply, “So? I find your body pleasing. Is that so wrong?”
He blinked in surprise. “Wrong? Huh uh. I was just sayin’, that’s all. That you ‘found my body pleasing’ and it wasn’t just you playin’ nursemaid cuz your brother asked you to.”
“Oh,” she said, not knowing what else to say.
Eyes glowing, he reached out to caress her side but they both ended up laughing when his touching her bare skin was hindered by the oven mitts.
“Maybe when you’re feeling better?” River suggested with a smile.
Jayne grinned back.
The whole crew was waiting for them when they strode up the ramp onto Serenity. They’d barely made it two steps before Mal held up his hand to stop them. “Wait! Doc, Jayne still has the pox! There‘s marks all over his face!”
Jayne scowled. “I’m better!”
Simon came forward and gave the marks a cursory inspection. “They’ve scabbed over; he’s not contagious any more.”
“Welcome back, you two!” Kaylee chirped. “It’s been so long since you were last on the ship, what do ya feel like doin’?”
Everyone was surprised when Jayne’s eyes darkened and he looped an arm around River’s waist, pulling her flush against his chest.
“Whaddya think? Wanna try it now without the oven mitts?”
River’s face brightened and she nodded, taking Jayne’s hand and running with him off to her room in the passenger dorms.
Mal looked disturbed. “Doc? Uh, was that another symptom of chicken pox or…?”
Simon rubbed his face with his hand. “No. That was your standard case of mutual attraction.”
“Still rather think it’s the pox,” Mal muttered and pressed the button to close up the bay before any more diseases named after barnyard animals could find its way inside.
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Date: 2008-01-13 09:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 12:17 am (UTC)