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toxic_cornBetcha you thought I forgot about doing this, huh? Well, here it is, more commentary. I plan on doing the first three chapters and the last three chapters.
Disclaimer and explanation for this story can be found here
Chapter Two
Welcome to the chapter two commentary. Let’s see what I have in store for our plucky heroes, shall we?
Mal rubbed his forehead. After they'd all gotten over their shock, they'd taken the little girl up to the mess and gotten her some water. Now they all sat around staring at her. "What's your name, darlin'?"
"Serenity Jane Cobb," the girl said, her eyes wide and frightened.
Yes, Jane without a y. I don’t know why I went with that decision; it’s been too long. I’m sure it was very important to me at the time, though.
Everyone looked at Jayne and he bristled. "The hell she says!"
"She has your eyes, Jayne," Zoe pointed out.
"Has Mal's eyes too," Jayne snapped. "Lots o' people have blue eyes! Don't mean I'm the father of every blue-eyed brat we meet!"
This is me using Jayne to make fun of “he has your eyes” which people usually say when they’re looking at a baby. I’m a mean person.
"Jayne. Face shutting. Now." Mal looked at the girl as she gazed around the table at the grownups surrounding her.
She swallowed hard. "Why do you all look so young?"
"We use moisturizer," Mal said and then blinked in surprise when all the women sent him dirty looks. "So Miss Cobb-"
"Don't call 'er that," Jayne snarled. "Little crazy person's a liar!"
The girl called Serenity flinched at that and her eyes filled with tears. "Was I really that bad? This isn't a funny trick; c-can't... can't everyone come out now?"
"Everyone who?" Mal asked. "All personnel's present and accounted for, little one."
"Everyone," the girl repeated, looking annoyed. "Shepherd Book, Wash, Jamey, Nova-" When they all went still at those first two names, Serenity cut herself off, worry pinching her features. "Well, where are they?"
Jamey and Nova get named off because they were my favorite kids from Songs from a Firefly. Someday I should write a fic for myself with the three of them solving mysteries like the Scooby gang.
"Don't know about those other two, but Book and Wash have been dead a year," Mal said.
No one was prepared for her reaction. The girl looked like she'd been socked in the stomach. Her mouth opened and shut a few times like she was struggling for air and then her face crumbled as she burst into heartbroken tears.
Pretty much every fan’s reaction to the BDM.
"Oh, honey!" Kaylee flew to the child's side and pulled her close. "Shhh, it's okay."
I guess River should’ve comforted her, being the mother, but Kaylee’s so warm and maternal that I stand by Kaylee being the one to step up.
"I was only gone a day," the girl sobbed. "How could this have happened?"
This just got better and better. Mal swallowed as he watched Serenity; this was no act. That was real grief on that child's face, in her pained tears. How the hell could she have known Wash and Book when none of them had ever seen her before in their lives? It was one thing to claim to be Jayne's spawn, but to act as if she knew all of them...
"Serenity." Mal went around the table to kneel down in front of her. She looked up from Kaylee's shoulder and sniffled, listening. "Where's your ma, darlin'? We'll take you to her first chance we get. Cargo ship's no place for a kid."
"My ma?" The girl sniffled and gave Mal a weird look. "She's right there," she said, pointing.
At River.
Jayne slammed his fist on the table. "You see?! She's lyin'! Ain't no way I'd ever knock up the moonbrain!"
Simon glared at Jayne and then said, "It does seem unlikely; River's only eighteen. In order to have mothered this child, River would have to have been ten years old."
The first and possibly last time Jayne and Simon come to an agreement.
"See? Doc agrees with me!" Jayne sat back and folded his arms, glaring at Serenity. But his glare turned into a look of confusion when River got up and knelt next to Mal in front of the girl. "What are you-?"
"Little daughter," River said softly and touched Serenity's forehead. "Far from home."
"Oh, hell, don't tell me you believe this go se," Jayne said disgustedly. But seeing the two girls face to face, he started to feel uneasy. They didn't quite look like mother and daughter because like the doc said, moonbrain was too young. But at the most, they looked like sisters.
"She believes it," River said, nodding at the child. "She knows it to be true. Serenity Jane Cobb, called Nettie."
A look of relief crossed Serenity - rather, Nettie's- face. "Yes. It's true. I- I can prove it!" She fumbled into the front pocket of her overalls and pulled out a photo, handing it to Mal. "See?"
Mal took it and frowned at the blank picture. He gave the little capture a shake but nothing appeared. "Nettie, did you have this taken by a street photographer?"
"Yeah. Daddy said they're a waste of money because they-" Mal turned the picture for her to see and her face fell. "Go blank."
"More proof it ain't me," Jayne said, smugly. "I don't waste my money on that kind of-"
My Chinese is really limited and I don’t like going and finding some big long swear because I’m uncertain whether the grammar is correct; ever since my Chinese roommate watched Firefly and laughed hysterically at the gramatically incorrect Chincese, I’ve been leery. So instead, I awkwardly cut Jayne off. In retrospect, I could’ve just said something silly like bull pucky. Or bullshit.
"No, you spend it frugally on liquor and whor-" Mal took a quick look at the girl watching them in interest. "Horses."
Jayne snorted. "Horses?"
"Long as we got a little girl on board, yes. Horses."
"Think that's illegal even on the border worlds, Mal."
It’s tacky to laugh at your own jokes but I really like this whole section. Most people can relate to modifying their language since little pitchers have big ears.
"You do not wanna test my patience today, Jayne."
Seeing Mal had on his "no nonsense Captain face," Jayne snorted again but stayed quiet.
Mal took in the situation going on in front of his eyes and took a deep breath. "All right. This is what we're going to do. River, you're gonna share your room with Nettie tonight."
Aw, but Daaaaaaaaaaaaad!
"That's fine, Captain," River nodded and smiled at Nettie.
"Then we're going to continue on to Boros where we do the job we're getting paid for. Maybe we'll pick up some clothes for Miss Cobb-" He sent Jayne a warning look when he opened his mouth to protest. "- because it don't look like she packed for this trip. Then we take her to Pomona where they got a nice orphanage she'd be safe at."
I’m pretty sure I made Pomona in She’s A Sticky-Fingered Filcher. Why? I don’t know. The other planets were over-used? They can’t always go to Persephone, after all. Though that’s totally where the crew went in this story. *sigh* Suckage.
"Orphanage?" Nettie leapt out of her chair, eyes flashing. She was showing more vinegar than she had all day and Mal took a step back out of pure surprise. "I am not an orphan! My parents and my home are right here!"
"See, that's where we're going to have to disagree, Nettie," Mal said, sternly.
"No!" She stomped her foot. "I'm not going anyplace! If-if you have to leave me somewhere, leave me on Haven!"
"Haven's destroyed," Mal snapped. "Now you sit down and don't you backtalk me on my ship! You weren't invited but you'll still act like a guest, Lady Cobb! That means be on your best behavior, no more shoutin' or foot stompin' and you earn your keep while you're here, dong ma?!"
Sulkily, the girl sat back in her chair and again the women of Serenity didn't look too impressed with him. But Jayne did. Wow, he really must have made a wrong move.
Personally, I think she was being a tad bratty and needed to be taken down a peg. A sure sign that Mal didn’t do the right thing.
"Now I know that you're all discombobulated right now," Mal added, trying to sound a little kinder. "That's to be expected. Reality ain't matchin' up to what you expected and I reckon that's not a bowl of cherries. But tantrums aren't the best way to make your feelings known; they make this captain go all cranky and mean." Reaching out he gently chucked her under her chin and felt relieved when she smiled up at him. "Maybe if you're a good enough worker, we'll keep you on board."
”But the second you act up again, it’s out the airlock with you!”
"Thank you, Captain," Nettie said, smiling brightly and looking for all the 'verse just like River.
"Welcome." Mal folded his arms and checked with the ladies again. Okay, he was in the clear. "You still tired?"
The last few minutes had clearly worn on her and she nodded, rubbing her eyes. "Are Wash and Shepherd Book really dead?"
"They really are," Mal said, softly.
Grief filled the child's blue eyes and she looked to Zoe. "What happened?"
"You never mind," Zoe said gently.
"A-are his dinosaurs still around?" Nettie asked.
Zoe nodded, glancing quickly at the captain. "They are."
"Can I play with them sometime? We used to play together when I couldn't sleep. Sometimes Ben or Vee would join us and then it got really fun." Nettie looked wistful as she stood up once more, taking River's hand to go off to bed.
I can see Wash as being the fun uncle. I’ve said it before that if I were a child again, I’d adore Wash. The Hawiian shirts and he’s a grown up who plays with dinosaurs? It doesn’t get much cooler than that in kid world.
"Who are they?" Zoe asked.
Nettie frowned hard at her. "Your children."
They also have a third child, a girl named Lady. But I forgot to mention her. Whoops. Think mini!Zoe.
Mal cleared his throat loudly and tried not to look as uncomfortable as he felt in the face of his first mate's grief at this bit of news. "Bed time."
"But where are Ben and Vee? And everybody? Why am I the only one here?" Sounding more and more distressed, Nettie was led away by River. "Why isn't anyone answering me?!!"
Pretty much every family member except my mom would get all cryptic over family secrets. It was pretty annoying to never know the full story about what was going on, so Nettie’s frustration here is very familiar to me.
They all sat in silence a moment. Mal, Kaylee, Simon, and Inara looked at Zoe, unsure of what to say.
"Just what we need," Jayne broke the silence. "Two crazy girls on board."
That’s just what everyone needed to hear, Jayne, thanks.
~*~
"Why aren't you and Daddy together?"
River paused in tucking the blankets around herself and the little girl. "Jayne and I don't see one another in a romantic light."
"Why not?"
"Because he is much older than myself. And stupid. And boorish. And-" She saw the distressed look on Nettie's face and stopped speaking. "We're unsuited."
This almost feels like there’s been a divorce. You know, with one parent badmouthing the other while the child gets upset? Another thing I’m familiar with.
"No you aren't! You understand each other and make each other happy! Whenever me and Jamey are home, we see you two kissin' on each other and it makes me feel all warm inside. Like everything's all right." Her face fell. "Not like right now."
"I'm sorry. That may be true where you're from but here it's much different. There are no Netties or Jameys or Novas." At Nettie's disappointed look, River quickly added, "But we're all young. Children could happen at any time."
Nettie shook her head. "No. Zoe and Wash were supposed to have a baby first. If he's dead then that changes everything. No babies." She curled up in a ball and in a little voice whispered, "I wish Jamey was here."
"Jamey is your big brother," River said, not guessing.
"Yeah. He can be mean sometimes but he protects me. He's almost as good a big brother as Uncle Simon." Her face looked sad, so River gently stroked her hair.
"Hush now. Sleep. We'll be on Boros soon and we'll get you some nice clothes."
"Don't need much," Nettie said, sleepily and drifted off, River not that far behind her.
Sorry I didn’t have much to say here. There’s only so much I could think of with all the exposition going on. I’ll try harder next time.
Disclaimer and explanation for this story can be found here
Welcome to the chapter two commentary. Let’s see what I have in store for our plucky heroes, shall we?
Mal rubbed his forehead. After they'd all gotten over their shock, they'd taken the little girl up to the mess and gotten her some water. Now they all sat around staring at her. "What's your name, darlin'?"
"Serenity Jane Cobb," the girl said, her eyes wide and frightened.
Yes, Jane without a y. I don’t know why I went with that decision; it’s been too long. I’m sure it was very important to me at the time, though.
Everyone looked at Jayne and he bristled. "The hell she says!"
"She has your eyes, Jayne," Zoe pointed out.
"Has Mal's eyes too," Jayne snapped. "Lots o' people have blue eyes! Don't mean I'm the father of every blue-eyed brat we meet!"
This is me using Jayne to make fun of “he has your eyes” which people usually say when they’re looking at a baby. I’m a mean person.
"Jayne. Face shutting. Now." Mal looked at the girl as she gazed around the table at the grownups surrounding her.
She swallowed hard. "Why do you all look so young?"
"We use moisturizer," Mal said and then blinked in surprise when all the women sent him dirty looks. "So Miss Cobb-"
"Don't call 'er that," Jayne snarled. "Little crazy person's a liar!"
The girl called Serenity flinched at that and her eyes filled with tears. "Was I really that bad? This isn't a funny trick; c-can't... can't everyone come out now?"
"Everyone who?" Mal asked. "All personnel's present and accounted for, little one."
"Everyone," the girl repeated, looking annoyed. "Shepherd Book, Wash, Jamey, Nova-" When they all went still at those first two names, Serenity cut herself off, worry pinching her features. "Well, where are they?"
Jamey and Nova get named off because they were my favorite kids from Songs from a Firefly. Someday I should write a fic for myself with the three of them solving mysteries like the Scooby gang.
"Don't know about those other two, but Book and Wash have been dead a year," Mal said.
No one was prepared for her reaction. The girl looked like she'd been socked in the stomach. Her mouth opened and shut a few times like she was struggling for air and then her face crumbled as she burst into heartbroken tears.
Pretty much every fan’s reaction to the BDM.
"Oh, honey!" Kaylee flew to the child's side and pulled her close. "Shhh, it's okay."
I guess River should’ve comforted her, being the mother, but Kaylee’s so warm and maternal that I stand by Kaylee being the one to step up.
"I was only gone a day," the girl sobbed. "How could this have happened?"
This just got better and better. Mal swallowed as he watched Serenity; this was no act. That was real grief on that child's face, in her pained tears. How the hell could she have known Wash and Book when none of them had ever seen her before in their lives? It was one thing to claim to be Jayne's spawn, but to act as if she knew all of them...
"Serenity." Mal went around the table to kneel down in front of her. She looked up from Kaylee's shoulder and sniffled, listening. "Where's your ma, darlin'? We'll take you to her first chance we get. Cargo ship's no place for a kid."
"My ma?" The girl sniffled and gave Mal a weird look. "She's right there," she said, pointing.
At River.
Jayne slammed his fist on the table. "You see?! She's lyin'! Ain't no way I'd ever knock up the moonbrain!"
Simon glared at Jayne and then said, "It does seem unlikely; River's only eighteen. In order to have mothered this child, River would have to have been ten years old."
The first and possibly last time Jayne and Simon come to an agreement.
"See? Doc agrees with me!" Jayne sat back and folded his arms, glaring at Serenity. But his glare turned into a look of confusion when River got up and knelt next to Mal in front of the girl. "What are you-?"
"Little daughter," River said softly and touched Serenity's forehead. "Far from home."
"Oh, hell, don't tell me you believe this go se," Jayne said disgustedly. But seeing the two girls face to face, he started to feel uneasy. They didn't quite look like mother and daughter because like the doc said, moonbrain was too young. But at the most, they looked like sisters.
"She believes it," River said, nodding at the child. "She knows it to be true. Serenity Jane Cobb, called Nettie."
A look of relief crossed Serenity - rather, Nettie's- face. "Yes. It's true. I- I can prove it!" She fumbled into the front pocket of her overalls and pulled out a photo, handing it to Mal. "See?"
Mal took it and frowned at the blank picture. He gave the little capture a shake but nothing appeared. "Nettie, did you have this taken by a street photographer?"
"Yeah. Daddy said they're a waste of money because they-" Mal turned the picture for her to see and her face fell. "Go blank."
"More proof it ain't me," Jayne said, smugly. "I don't waste my money on that kind of-"
My Chinese is really limited and I don’t like going and finding some big long swear because I’m uncertain whether the grammar is correct; ever since my Chinese roommate watched Firefly and laughed hysterically at the gramatically incorrect Chincese, I’ve been leery. So instead, I awkwardly cut Jayne off. In retrospect, I could’ve just said something silly like bull pucky. Or bullshit.
"No, you spend it frugally on liquor and whor-" Mal took a quick look at the girl watching them in interest. "Horses."
Jayne snorted. "Horses?"
"Long as we got a little girl on board, yes. Horses."
"Think that's illegal even on the border worlds, Mal."
It’s tacky to laugh at your own jokes but I really like this whole section. Most people can relate to modifying their language since little pitchers have big ears.
"You do not wanna test my patience today, Jayne."
Seeing Mal had on his "no nonsense Captain face," Jayne snorted again but stayed quiet.
Mal took in the situation going on in front of his eyes and took a deep breath. "All right. This is what we're going to do. River, you're gonna share your room with Nettie tonight."
Aw, but Daaaaaaaaaaaaad!
"That's fine, Captain," River nodded and smiled at Nettie.
"Then we're going to continue on to Boros where we do the job we're getting paid for. Maybe we'll pick up some clothes for Miss Cobb-" He sent Jayne a warning look when he opened his mouth to protest. "- because it don't look like she packed for this trip. Then we take her to Pomona where they got a nice orphanage she'd be safe at."
I’m pretty sure I made Pomona in She’s A Sticky-Fingered Filcher. Why? I don’t know. The other planets were over-used? They can’t always go to Persephone, after all. Though that’s totally where the crew went in this story. *sigh* Suckage.
"Orphanage?" Nettie leapt out of her chair, eyes flashing. She was showing more vinegar than she had all day and Mal took a step back out of pure surprise. "I am not an orphan! My parents and my home are right here!"
"See, that's where we're going to have to disagree, Nettie," Mal said, sternly.
"No!" She stomped her foot. "I'm not going anyplace! If-if you have to leave me somewhere, leave me on Haven!"
"Haven's destroyed," Mal snapped. "Now you sit down and don't you backtalk me on my ship! You weren't invited but you'll still act like a guest, Lady Cobb! That means be on your best behavior, no more shoutin' or foot stompin' and you earn your keep while you're here, dong ma?!"
Sulkily, the girl sat back in her chair and again the women of Serenity didn't look too impressed with him. But Jayne did. Wow, he really must have made a wrong move.
Personally, I think she was being a tad bratty and needed to be taken down a peg. A sure sign that Mal didn’t do the right thing.
"Now I know that you're all discombobulated right now," Mal added, trying to sound a little kinder. "That's to be expected. Reality ain't matchin' up to what you expected and I reckon that's not a bowl of cherries. But tantrums aren't the best way to make your feelings known; they make this captain go all cranky and mean." Reaching out he gently chucked her under her chin and felt relieved when she smiled up at him. "Maybe if you're a good enough worker, we'll keep you on board."
”But the second you act up again, it’s out the airlock with you!”
"Thank you, Captain," Nettie said, smiling brightly and looking for all the 'verse just like River.
"Welcome." Mal folded his arms and checked with the ladies again. Okay, he was in the clear. "You still tired?"
The last few minutes had clearly worn on her and she nodded, rubbing her eyes. "Are Wash and Shepherd Book really dead?"
"They really are," Mal said, softly.
Grief filled the child's blue eyes and she looked to Zoe. "What happened?"
"You never mind," Zoe said gently.
"A-are his dinosaurs still around?" Nettie asked.
Zoe nodded, glancing quickly at the captain. "They are."
"Can I play with them sometime? We used to play together when I couldn't sleep. Sometimes Ben or Vee would join us and then it got really fun." Nettie looked wistful as she stood up once more, taking River's hand to go off to bed.
I can see Wash as being the fun uncle. I’ve said it before that if I were a child again, I’d adore Wash. The Hawiian shirts and he’s a grown up who plays with dinosaurs? It doesn’t get much cooler than that in kid world.
"Who are they?" Zoe asked.
Nettie frowned hard at her. "Your children."
They also have a third child, a girl named Lady. But I forgot to mention her. Whoops. Think mini!Zoe.
Mal cleared his throat loudly and tried not to look as uncomfortable as he felt in the face of his first mate's grief at this bit of news. "Bed time."
"But where are Ben and Vee? And everybody? Why am I the only one here?" Sounding more and more distressed, Nettie was led away by River. "Why isn't anyone answering me?!!"
Pretty much every family member except my mom would get all cryptic over family secrets. It was pretty annoying to never know the full story about what was going on, so Nettie’s frustration here is very familiar to me.
They all sat in silence a moment. Mal, Kaylee, Simon, and Inara looked at Zoe, unsure of what to say.
"Just what we need," Jayne broke the silence. "Two crazy girls on board."
That’s just what everyone needed to hear, Jayne, thanks.
"Why aren't you and Daddy together?"
River paused in tucking the blankets around herself and the little girl. "Jayne and I don't see one another in a romantic light."
"Why not?"
"Because he is much older than myself. And stupid. And boorish. And-" She saw the distressed look on Nettie's face and stopped speaking. "We're unsuited."
This almost feels like there’s been a divorce. You know, with one parent badmouthing the other while the child gets upset? Another thing I’m familiar with.
"No you aren't! You understand each other and make each other happy! Whenever me and Jamey are home, we see you two kissin' on each other and it makes me feel all warm inside. Like everything's all right." Her face fell. "Not like right now."
"I'm sorry. That may be true where you're from but here it's much different. There are no Netties or Jameys or Novas." At Nettie's disappointed look, River quickly added, "But we're all young. Children could happen at any time."
Nettie shook her head. "No. Zoe and Wash were supposed to have a baby first. If he's dead then that changes everything. No babies." She curled up in a ball and in a little voice whispered, "I wish Jamey was here."
"Jamey is your big brother," River said, not guessing.
"Yeah. He can be mean sometimes but he protects me. He's almost as good a big brother as Uncle Simon." Her face looked sad, so River gently stroked her hair.
"Hush now. Sleep. We'll be on Boros soon and we'll get you some nice clothes."
"Don't need much," Nettie said, sleepily and drifted off, River not that far behind her.
Sorry I didn’t have much to say here. There’s only so much I could think of with all the exposition going on. I’ll try harder next time.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 02:10 am (UTC)*huggles like whoa*
Heh, I enjoy these little insights into why you write what you write. :)
*dances* \0\ /0/ \0\ /0/ \0\ /0/ \0\ /0/ \0\ /0/ \0\ /0/ \0\ /0/
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Date: 2007-09-28 05:09 am (UTC)It's hard to come up with insights now that I'm not back and forthing with you anymore. :(
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Date: 2007-09-28 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-28 11:23 pm (UTC)