toxic_corn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
toxic_corn) wrote2007-09-08 05:28 pm
toxic_corn) wrote2007-09-08 05:28 pm
Entry tags:
Your Boyfriend Snorts Cocaine: Chapter Ten commentary
Epilogue commentary coming soon!
Disclaimer and explanation for this story can be found here.
Previous commentaries: Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Six
CHAPTER TEN
Hey, Kristy, it's Dawn. Could you call Mary Anne the first chance you
get? She's going to need to hear a friendly voice. Um, she'll tell you
why. Thanks, bye.
- voice mail message from Dawn Schafer to Kristy Thomas
Toxic: Welcome to Chapter Ten! And we open this chapter with a handy
little thing called "foreshadowing."
Nutmeg: Adds the obligatory Dun Dun DUUUNNN!
Chad stirred awake and reached out for Mary Anne. When his hand met cold
sheets, he sat up in alarm.
"Mary Anne?" He looked around the room in panic but relaxed when he saw her
clothes from the night before still scattered on the floor. His girl may
have been growing in confidence but she certainly wasn't an exhibitionist
willing to walk around LA naked or anything.
Climbing out of bed, he pulled on his boxer shorts and started looking for
her. He drew a blank when his admittedly small apartment revealed no Mary
Anne. But then movement drew his eye; the curtains to the patio had just
fluttered, meaning the door was open.
He found her out there, dressed in his shirt and curled up in one of the
chairs. She was wearing her reading glasses, highlighting a passage in one
of her textbooks, a steaming mug of tea next to her foot on the coffee
table. The scene was so sweet and domestic he took a moment to appreciate
it before saying anything.
"Hey, what are you doing out here this early?"
Startled, she jumped. "Oh! I have a test next week and I haven't finished
the reading yet." She looked around at the sun drenched city and smiled.
"It was so pretty out here, I couldn't resist."
He dropped a kiss onto the top of her head, adoring her. "What class is the
test in?"
"Nutrition." She looked up at him with mock seriousness. "Did you know
that fruits and vegetables play an important role in a well-balanced diet?"
T: I took a Nutrition course and I honestly couldn't remember anything
fancy shmancy for her to recite so I came up with something silly and
pedantic.
N: Heh, I think 'pedantic' is your favorite word. And I, sadly, had to
look it up in the dictionary the first time you used it. No wonder I suck
at standardized tests...
"I had no idea," he laughed, gazing at her lovingly. "I'm glad I have you
to tell me these things."
"I've seen what's in your fridge. Honestly, it's a wonder you're still
alive." She gave him a teasing look and highlighted another section of her
book.
Chad leaned on the back of her chair. "Now, what's that supposed to mean?
You think I'm in bad shape? I haven't heard any complaints from you
before."
She looked up at him, quick to reassure him. "Just that you could stand to
take care of yourself a little better. I didn't mean that you were…" She
frowned, then relaxed, swatting his chest. "Don't tease me like that."
T: I don't think Mary Anne was this gullible in the books but I think
her quickness to think she's offended and her need to make it right is an
endearing trait.
He chuckled. "How should I tease you then?"
"Like…" She thought about it. "I was going to say 'not at all' but then you
wouldn't be Chad anymore."
N: And Chad not being an ass is hardly a Chad worth having.
T: Weeeeeeeeeeelll I dunno. Mary Anne probably agrees but I'm skeptical.
"And you wouldn't be Mary Anne unless you protested being teased." He knelt
down to wrap his arms around her from behind, nuzzling her behind her ear.
"I love you, Mary Anne."
She froze.
Confused, Chad pulled away a little. "Uh, Mary Anne? Sweetheart?"
"I…" She scrambled out of the chair, looking like a deer in the headlights.
"I…"
"What? I mean, I understand if you're not there yet…" The thought stung a
little but yeah, he understood. "But I, uh, am…. So I had to tell you."
"I should be… I don't…" She started gathering up her school supplies and
headed into the apartment.
He followed after her. "Whoa, wait…." She'd moved into the bedroom, where
she was gathering her clothes from the floor. "What are you doing?"
"This is… I…" She was clearly trying to pull herself together, even as she
pulled up her skirt.
"What?" Chad asked again, starting to get worried. "Tell me, what's
wrong?"
T: This is me stalling, figuring out what Mary Anne's going to say.
"This is too much," she said, trembling.
T: There, found it.
"It's…" He paused, trying to figure out what to say. "I know it's sudden, I
get that, but it's the truth. I love you. Just because it's sudden
doesn't mean it's too much to take, does it?"
"It kind of does, yeah. It's…" She paused to swallow. "It's a little
overwhelming, Chad."
T: The timeline for this fic I think is they've been together for about
a month. Whether dropping the el bomb was premature or not is relative but
for Mary Anne, it's too soon. She was with Logan for six years and he was
her very first boyfriend. We got some flak for breaking Chad's heart here,
but Mary Anne's just 18 years old. This is big and new and scary for
her.
N: Indeed. She's not used to having a man who doesn't treat her like
crap, and she's all confused-ed over it.
"Okay, I get that. Um, why don't we just take a breath and you can tell me
what's going on in that head of yours, because you're looking a little sick
now."
"I feel a little…." She sat down shakily on the bed, twisting her t-shirt in
her hands.
Chad sat beside her and hesitated before sliding his arm around her
shoulders. "Look, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I don't expect
you to say the same if it's not what you feel-"
"Please don't," she interrupted, her eyes wide. "I'm sorry but I can't… I
can't think when you do that."
"Do what? What am I doing?"
She shrugged his arm off. "That."
Chad took a deep breath, slowly getting pissed. "Ok, fine. Arm's off you,
now talk to me."
"Please don't get mad," she said, seeing his anger.
"Well, it's just- I'm not mad, I just wanna know why it looks like you're
about to blow chunks all over my floor."
T: There's just something about the phrase "blow chunks" that makes me
laugh. It's so junior high.
N: And Chad would SO be the captain of the football team.
"It's moving too fast, I don't want to get trapped again!" she squeaked.
Her eyes widened when she realized what she said.
Shock and anger prevented him from saying anything for a moment. "Trapped? Is that what you think I'm doing? Trapping you by saying I love you?"
She looked at him guiltily. "No, I know that's not what you're doing, I
didn't mean that."
T: She meant it. She just didn't mean to be so terribly blunt about
it.
"Well then how?"
Mary Anne shook her head, frustrated. "I just mean that… maybe we should
slow down. See a little less of each other."
"See less—" His eyes went wide. "Okay, what's the problem here, really? I
can't believe that it's just that this is too fast. I mean, I'm not
pressuring you to say it back or anything."
"Chad… can we please not do this? I need to go."
T: Another staple of the series: At the slightest bit of conflict, the
girls turn and bunny off. Even Kristy, to a degree.
N: That, or they're sure they're receiving death threats from kidnappers
and pirate ghosts when it's really Cokie Mason with a stick up her butt.
"Oh, so that's it? Taking off like this whole thing means nothing?" he
snapped.
Mary Anne seemed shocked by that being the conclusion he'd drawn. "I think
we're both getting upset and I should leave before either of us says
something we don't mean."
"What? Like how I'm trapping you? You didn't mean that at all?"
"Chad," she said warningly.
"You know, just because I said I love you doesn't make me the same as
Huckleberry Hound. I'm not like him, okay?"
"God, that's for sure." She got up to leave but he grabbed her arm, tugging
her back.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's supposed to mean that you've made me your world! Don't you
see that? Say what you will about Logan but at least he had a
life!" She trembled, eyes widening in horror over what she'd said.
But she didn't exactly go rushing to take the words back, either.
T: That tendency Chad has to put Mary Anne on a pedestal is something
she finds unnerving. It's hard to live up to those kind of expectations;
the slightest character flaw will seem like a big let down.
N: That facet of Chad's character comes straight from Day Break.
Even though he's divorced from her, he'd still do anything for Rita, because
he wants her back. He's got almost an... obsessive personality. And he's
really quite a jerk, but with a sweet side.
Chad stared at her, stunned. "He has a life, huh? Right. A life full of
drugs. You know what I think? I think you were only with him because you
pitied him. I've seen it before. You're a nurturer, Mary Anne, and you
wanted to save him. But you're finding you can't do that with me, because I
don't need to be saved, and I never will."
T: I remember Chad making the claim that his relationship with Rita
didn't work out because of this. Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that,
Chad.
N: Yup, added a bit of canon right there. It's funny how we bother when
we call this a crackverse, but you've got to have some rules in fan fiction,
or else it's crap. *glares at the Harry Potter fandom*
T: Whoa, the gloves are off. O_O
Her eyes narrowed. "Don't speak to me like that."
"Like what?" He smiled arrogantly. "Don't tell you what you already know
but won't admit to yourself?"
"Don't condescend to me," she hissed. "You know nothing about me and
Logan. He wasn't always like he is now. In a lot of ways, he was like
you!"
T: Not meant as an insult at all. In the book Logan was first
introduced, he was a caring, sensitive guy who tried to put Mary Anne at
ease in situations where she was uncomfortable. So non-crack addict Logan
had the same sweet yet manly guy-ness that Chad has. And now I'm looking
at "guyness" and thinkng it looks like "gayness." Well, Nutmeg is rocking
that theory that Logan was a closet case…
N: Haha, I got that idea from Tiff's BSC reviews blog. When I was 10, I
thought Logan was the best boyfriend ever! But yeah, looking back now, he
does seem a little fishy...
T: It was all the homoerotic subtext with the Badd Boyz gang in Logan Bruno: Boy Babysitter that tipped you off, huh?
That startled him for a moment. It was easier to just think of Huck as a
druggie unworthy of Mary Anne, not the nice kid he'd no doubt been to
attract a girl like her. "Oh yeah, well who he was and who he is now are
two different things. And why don't you explain to me exactly what you
think I have in common with him?"
"I know who he is now and what he was are two different things," she said
quietly, looking away from him. "I don't… I don't want to talk about Logan
anymore, I just want to go home."
T: Singing Logan's praises here would've been a bad move. Scamper,
Mary Anne, scamper!
"That's what you want. To run away from something good. Why don't you
just say it? You think this relationship will turn out like that one. Not
all relationships are the same." His anger faded to a painful melancholy.
"I thought I could show you that."
N: Heck, he was hoping not all relationships were the same,
especially after being burned by Rita.
T: Well, let's consider something here: What was the common factor in his relationships with both Rita and Mary Anne? Could it be C-H-A-D S-H-E-L-T-E-N?
"Chad… no, I wasn't… I don't want to break up!" She grabbed his hand, giving
it a squeeze. "I just want a little breathing room is all."
"To do what?" he asked, exasperated. "What do you need time and 'breathing
room' to think about?" Her eyes filled with tears and he looked away.
"Don't. I can't- Why can't you just tell me? Why do we have to dance
around and argue?"
"I have told you," she said, sounding frustrated. "I'm not very good
at expressing myself because… I'm not used to this."
"To what? Being with someone who actually listens to you?" He looked back
at her, eyes pleading. "I know you don't want to talk about him anymore
but everything seems to lead back to him anyway. You can talk to me about
anything."
"I'm not used to baring my soul to people." She started to shake again.
"It's just so hard to be with you sometimes, Chad! I always feel
like I'm saying the wrong thing or… or doing the wrong thing and then you
get so upset and I feel awful that I can't be what you need!" She burst
into anguished crying, hiding her face in her hands.
T: Damn, there's a lot going on here. Some of this is the Rita
jealousy we saw in earlier chapters. She's not the seemingly sophisticated
woman that Rita is, plus with the age difference, I think it'd be difficult
for them to talk about some things. Like, he'd make a reference to a pop
culture event that took place long before she was born that she'd have no
knowledge of whatsoever. Awkwaaaaard.
N: And now we're doing the same thing with Clacey. Heh. How can we
help it though? Guys in their forties are HOT!
T: Some of them. Not all of them. The ones who hit on me? They're of the not variety.
It made his chest ache to see her like that and he was reaching out to her
but stopped himself before he touched her. "You're everything I need, Mary
Anne. You seem to be under the impression that you're my world and you're
not that far off. And I'm sorry if it's hard for you, but you can't do
anything wrong with me, okay? If I get upset over something, you just call
me on it. Everyone knows I'm an ass anyways, but your opinion is the only
one I care about."
T: This is her calling you on it. She's been calling you on it. Oh,
Chad. You silly, stupid, damaged, lovesick man.
"Then why is it so awful to ask for a little room to breathe?" Mary Anne
took a sobbing breath. "I'm not saying that I never want to see you again,
you know."
T: I didn't mean to put breathe and breath so close together like that. It sort of bugs me.
"It's not that it's awful, it's just that you won't tell me why and—" He
paused and pictured Rita, standing in the doorway that last time. It's
just a trial separation, Chad. We'll give it a try and… see what happens,
okay? A few weeks later, he was signing divorce papers. God, the same
thing was happening all over again. Maybe he should just face up to it.
"You know what? Okay, you want room, you got it."
She sniffled. "Chad ?"
"What."
"What do you mean? Are you…? Are you breaking up with me?"
"No." You already did that, or at least you're going to. "I'm doing
what you wanted."
"Oh." She thought about that for a second. "We can still go out on
weekends but I should probably stop staying over here so often. Dawn's been
asking when I'm going to start paying you rent."
Chad laughed mirthlessly. "Did she now?" His smile dropped. "Let's just
see how it goes. I may not- I mean, I may be busy… with things… weekend
things."
"Please don't do this." She knelt down in front of him, trying to force him
to look at her. "I just need the room because I'm feeling overwhelmed,
that's all! I'm not… I'm not thinking of leaving you or anything! I don't
understand why you don't believe me!"
T: In the midst of the heartbreak, I find it funny that she knows he's
bullshitting. Suddenly he has plans? With who, invisible friends?
N: Oh, so he's met Claude? BAM-DUM-CHUM!
T: She's here all week, folks! Don't forget to tip your wait staff!
He stood up and moved away. "It's not that I don't believe you, it's just…
I'm not sure what you want me to do. Wait around for you to decide we
should go out sometime but not spend the night together? How is that a
relationship? Wouldn't that just be a friendship? Christ, we may as well
end it since that's what you're doing; you're just wrapping a bunch of fancy
words around it."
"… I didn't realize you valued the physical part of our relationship so
highly above the rest." She grabbed her bag and started angrily cramming
her school things into it. "That's so… that's so…"
"Oh, don't even!" Chad snapped. "That's not what I meant and you should
know that. Spending the night with you, holding you in my arms and
listening to you breathe as you sleep, that's what I value. When
you try to tickle me awake in the mornings and I hear you giggling, that's
the stuff I value. And yeah, I value the physical part too, but you're
making it sound like all you need me for is to take you out to a movie or
dinner and other things where I don't get to see that side of you I love the
most. When we're alone; that's when you're the Mary Anne I love."
"I tickle you and giggle outside of bed, too! Remember all the dates
leading up to the physical stuff? You're describing intimacy Chad, and we
can still have that, even if I don't spend the night here every night of the
week!"
He shook his head. "Okay, fine. Whatever you want," he said sarcastically. "You call the shots. I'll just be here waiting for you to feel like calling me, then."
"This is pointless, isn't it?"
"What is?"
"What do you want me to do? Just…" She dropped her bag, holding her arms
out in surrender. "Fine. I take it back, okay? I don't want breathing
room. I'll keep quiet while I feel overwhelmed until finally I can't take
it anymore and leave you. Would you prefer that?" She tightened her fists
in frustration. "God, I wasn't saying that I'd never sleep with you again,
just that it wouldn't be every night of the week!"
Chad crossed his arms. "That's not what this is about, but you seem to be
focusing on it so much, maybe you think that's all this is. I don't want
to be used, okay? I don't want to wait like your puppy dog for you to call
me. I'm not like that. And no, I don't want you to keep quiet, which is
why I said you can tell me anything, and have been trying to get you to open
up to me. You're the one who's bottling everything up inside and
leaving me in the dark. But you know what? Let's just stop this fight
right now and go our separate ways. Because I think we've said all there is
to say."
She'd looked ready to rebut everything he'd said but sagged a little at his
final words, looking sick. "… so that's it?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he said quietly and looked away.
"But…" She stood in place, stunned. After several moments, she went into
the bathroom, gathering up her toiletries like a sleepwalker and came back
to the bedroom to stuff them in her bag. Crying quietly, she went through
his dresser to get some clothes she'd left there for when she stayed over.
"You can let yourself out," Chad said and locked himself in the bathroom.
T: As we've said before, we do most of the dialogue as a back and forth
in chat. After we did this argument, we had to check with each other to
make sure we were okay. And we were. Just the fight was pretty
intense.
N: Haha, we totally broke up over IM. Only... I'm not really a
forty-five year old man... or AM I? Dun dun DUUUUN! *cough* Anyways,
yeah, we were both so bummed after this, I think we immediately wrote the
dialogue for them getting back together, didn't we?
Mary Anne finished gathering her things and stumbled to the front door.
Talk to him about anything, huh? Just so long as it wasn't a discussion
about getting some time alone to gather herself together, get her feelings
straight. Why couldn't she have just told him that? Well, for the reason
she gave him: He was overwhelming; everything she said always came out
wrong.
It didn't mean she wanted to let him go, though.
Outside, she shut the door and everything in her arms spilled to the ground. She sank down in the middle of the mess and sobbed into her drawn up
knees.
T: I don't know what it is about me and sobbing into drawn up knees.
There's just something so heart wrenching about that imagery. So childlike
and lonely and sad.
In the bathroom, Chad lowered the toilet lid and sank down onto it. He
looked at the tub, noting how empty it looked without her shower gel and
shampoo bottles lined along the edge. The countertop seemed naked without
her makeup stacked neatly there, next to her hairbrush.
T: Whenever I leave somewhere I've been staying awhile, I always think
that bathroom counters look the most empty and sad without all the stuff.
I'm not sure why.
He lowered his head into his hands.
Disclaimer and explanation for this story can be found here.
Previous commentaries: Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Six
Hey, Kristy, it's Dawn. Could you call Mary Anne the first chance you
get? She's going to need to hear a friendly voice. Um, she'll tell you
why. Thanks, bye.
- voice mail message from Dawn Schafer to Kristy Thomas
Toxic: Welcome to Chapter Ten! And we open this chapter with a handy
little thing called "foreshadowing."
Nutmeg: Adds the obligatory Dun Dun DUUUNNN!
Chad stirred awake and reached out for Mary Anne. When his hand met cold
sheets, he sat up in alarm.
"Mary Anne?" He looked around the room in panic but relaxed when he saw her
clothes from the night before still scattered on the floor. His girl may
have been growing in confidence but she certainly wasn't an exhibitionist
willing to walk around LA naked or anything.
Climbing out of bed, he pulled on his boxer shorts and started looking for
her. He drew a blank when his admittedly small apartment revealed no Mary
Anne. But then movement drew his eye; the curtains to the patio had just
fluttered, meaning the door was open.
He found her out there, dressed in his shirt and curled up in one of the
chairs. She was wearing her reading glasses, highlighting a passage in one
of her textbooks, a steaming mug of tea next to her foot on the coffee
table. The scene was so sweet and domestic he took a moment to appreciate
it before saying anything.
"Hey, what are you doing out here this early?"
Startled, she jumped. "Oh! I have a test next week and I haven't finished
the reading yet." She looked around at the sun drenched city and smiled.
"It was so pretty out here, I couldn't resist."
He dropped a kiss onto the top of her head, adoring her. "What class is the
test in?"
"Nutrition." She looked up at him with mock seriousness. "Did you know
that fruits and vegetables play an important role in a well-balanced diet?"
T: I took a Nutrition course and I honestly couldn't remember anything
fancy shmancy for her to recite so I came up with something silly and
pedantic.
N: Heh, I think 'pedantic' is your favorite word. And I, sadly, had to
look it up in the dictionary the first time you used it. No wonder I suck
at standardized tests...
"I had no idea," he laughed, gazing at her lovingly. "I'm glad I have you
to tell me these things."
"I've seen what's in your fridge. Honestly, it's a wonder you're still
alive." She gave him a teasing look and highlighted another section of her
book.
Chad leaned on the back of her chair. "Now, what's that supposed to mean?
You think I'm in bad shape? I haven't heard any complaints from you
before."
She looked up at him, quick to reassure him. "Just that you could stand to
take care of yourself a little better. I didn't mean that you were…" She
frowned, then relaxed, swatting his chest. "Don't tease me like that."
T: I don't think Mary Anne was this gullible in the books but I think
her quickness to think she's offended and her need to make it right is an
endearing trait.
He chuckled. "How should I tease you then?"
"Like…" She thought about it. "I was going to say 'not at all' but then you
wouldn't be Chad anymore."
N: And Chad not being an ass is hardly a Chad worth having.
T: Weeeeeeeeeeelll I dunno. Mary Anne probably agrees but I'm skeptical.
"And you wouldn't be Mary Anne unless you protested being teased." He knelt
down to wrap his arms around her from behind, nuzzling her behind her ear.
"I love you, Mary Anne."
She froze.
Confused, Chad pulled away a little. "Uh, Mary Anne? Sweetheart?"
"I…" She scrambled out of the chair, looking like a deer in the headlights.
"I…"
"What? I mean, I understand if you're not there yet…" The thought stung a
little but yeah, he understood. "But I, uh, am…. So I had to tell you."
"I should be… I don't…" She started gathering up her school supplies and
headed into the apartment.
He followed after her. "Whoa, wait…." She'd moved into the bedroom, where
she was gathering her clothes from the floor. "What are you doing?"
"This is… I…" She was clearly trying to pull herself together, even as she
pulled up her skirt.
"What?" Chad asked again, starting to get worried. "Tell me, what's
wrong?"
T: This is me stalling, figuring out what Mary Anne's going to say.
"This is too much," she said, trembling.
T: There, found it.
"It's…" He paused, trying to figure out what to say. "I know it's sudden, I
get that, but it's the truth. I love you. Just because it's sudden
doesn't mean it's too much to take, does it?"
"It kind of does, yeah. It's…" She paused to swallow. "It's a little
overwhelming, Chad."
T: The timeline for this fic I think is they've been together for about
a month. Whether dropping the el bomb was premature or not is relative but
for Mary Anne, it's too soon. She was with Logan for six years and he was
her very first boyfriend. We got some flak for breaking Chad's heart here,
but Mary Anne's just 18 years old. This is big and new and scary for
her.
N: Indeed. She's not used to having a man who doesn't treat her like
crap, and she's all confused-ed over it.
"Okay, I get that. Um, why don't we just take a breath and you can tell me
what's going on in that head of yours, because you're looking a little sick
now."
"I feel a little…." She sat down shakily on the bed, twisting her t-shirt in
her hands.
Chad sat beside her and hesitated before sliding his arm around her
shoulders. "Look, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I don't expect
you to say the same if it's not what you feel-"
"Please don't," she interrupted, her eyes wide. "I'm sorry but I can't… I
can't think when you do that."
"Do what? What am I doing?"
She shrugged his arm off. "That."
Chad took a deep breath, slowly getting pissed. "Ok, fine. Arm's off you,
now talk to me."
"Please don't get mad," she said, seeing his anger.
"Well, it's just- I'm not mad, I just wanna know why it looks like you're
about to blow chunks all over my floor."
T: There's just something about the phrase "blow chunks" that makes me
laugh. It's so junior high.
N: And Chad would SO be the captain of the football team.
"It's moving too fast, I don't want to get trapped again!" she squeaked.
Her eyes widened when she realized what she said.
Shock and anger prevented him from saying anything for a moment. "Trapped? Is that what you think I'm doing? Trapping you by saying I love you?"
She looked at him guiltily. "No, I know that's not what you're doing, I
didn't mean that."
T: She meant it. She just didn't mean to be so terribly blunt about
it.
"Well then how?"
Mary Anne shook her head, frustrated. "I just mean that… maybe we should
slow down. See a little less of each other."
"See less—" His eyes went wide. "Okay, what's the problem here, really? I
can't believe that it's just that this is too fast. I mean, I'm not
pressuring you to say it back or anything."
"Chad… can we please not do this? I need to go."
T: Another staple of the series: At the slightest bit of conflict, the
girls turn and bunny off. Even Kristy, to a degree.
N: That, or they're sure they're receiving death threats from kidnappers
and pirate ghosts when it's really Cokie Mason with a stick up her butt.
"Oh, so that's it? Taking off like this whole thing means nothing?" he
snapped.
Mary Anne seemed shocked by that being the conclusion he'd drawn. "I think
we're both getting upset and I should leave before either of us says
something we don't mean."
"What? Like how I'm trapping you? You didn't mean that at all?"
"Chad," she said warningly.
"You know, just because I said I love you doesn't make me the same as
Huckleberry Hound. I'm not like him, okay?"
"God, that's for sure." She got up to leave but he grabbed her arm, tugging
her back.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It's supposed to mean that you've made me your world! Don't you
see that? Say what you will about Logan but at least he had a
life!" She trembled, eyes widening in horror over what she'd said.
But she didn't exactly go rushing to take the words back, either.
T: That tendency Chad has to put Mary Anne on a pedestal is something
she finds unnerving. It's hard to live up to those kind of expectations;
the slightest character flaw will seem like a big let down.
N: That facet of Chad's character comes straight from Day Break.
Even though he's divorced from her, he'd still do anything for Rita, because
he wants her back. He's got almost an... obsessive personality. And he's
really quite a jerk, but with a sweet side.
Chad stared at her, stunned. "He has a life, huh? Right. A life full of
drugs. You know what I think? I think you were only with him because you
pitied him. I've seen it before. You're a nurturer, Mary Anne, and you
wanted to save him. But you're finding you can't do that with me, because I
don't need to be saved, and I never will."
T: I remember Chad making the claim that his relationship with Rita
didn't work out because of this. Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that,
Chad.
N: Yup, added a bit of canon right there. It's funny how we bother when
we call this a crackverse, but you've got to have some rules in fan fiction,
or else it's crap. *glares at the Harry Potter fandom*
T: Whoa, the gloves are off. O_O
Her eyes narrowed. "Don't speak to me like that."
"Like what?" He smiled arrogantly. "Don't tell you what you already know
but won't admit to yourself?"
"Don't condescend to me," she hissed. "You know nothing about me and
Logan. He wasn't always like he is now. In a lot of ways, he was like
you!"
T: Not meant as an insult at all. In the book Logan was first
introduced, he was a caring, sensitive guy who tried to put Mary Anne at
ease in situations where she was uncomfortable. So non-crack addict Logan
had the same sweet yet manly guy-ness that Chad has. And now I'm looking
at "guyness" and thinkng it looks like "gayness." Well, Nutmeg is rocking
that theory that Logan was a closet case…
N: Haha, I got that idea from Tiff's BSC reviews blog. When I was 10, I
thought Logan was the best boyfriend ever! But yeah, looking back now, he
does seem a little fishy...
T: It was all the homoerotic subtext with the Badd Boyz gang in Logan Bruno: Boy Babysitter that tipped you off, huh?
That startled him for a moment. It was easier to just think of Huck as a
druggie unworthy of Mary Anne, not the nice kid he'd no doubt been to
attract a girl like her. "Oh yeah, well who he was and who he is now are
two different things. And why don't you explain to me exactly what you
think I have in common with him?"
"I know who he is now and what he was are two different things," she said
quietly, looking away from him. "I don't… I don't want to talk about Logan
anymore, I just want to go home."
T: Singing Logan's praises here would've been a bad move. Scamper,
Mary Anne, scamper!
"That's what you want. To run away from something good. Why don't you
just say it? You think this relationship will turn out like that one. Not
all relationships are the same." His anger faded to a painful melancholy.
"I thought I could show you that."
N: Heck, he was hoping not all relationships were the same,
especially after being burned by Rita.
T: Well, let's consider something here: What was the common factor in his relationships with both Rita and Mary Anne? Could it be C-H-A-D S-H-E-L-T-E-N?
"Chad… no, I wasn't… I don't want to break up!" She grabbed his hand, giving
it a squeeze. "I just want a little breathing room is all."
"To do what?" he asked, exasperated. "What do you need time and 'breathing
room' to think about?" Her eyes filled with tears and he looked away.
"Don't. I can't- Why can't you just tell me? Why do we have to dance
around and argue?"
"I have told you," she said, sounding frustrated. "I'm not very good
at expressing myself because… I'm not used to this."
"To what? Being with someone who actually listens to you?" He looked back
at her, eyes pleading. "I know you don't want to talk about him anymore
but everything seems to lead back to him anyway. You can talk to me about
anything."
"I'm not used to baring my soul to people." She started to shake again.
"It's just so hard to be with you sometimes, Chad! I always feel
like I'm saying the wrong thing or… or doing the wrong thing and then you
get so upset and I feel awful that I can't be what you need!" She burst
into anguished crying, hiding her face in her hands.
T: Damn, there's a lot going on here. Some of this is the Rita
jealousy we saw in earlier chapters. She's not the seemingly sophisticated
woman that Rita is, plus with the age difference, I think it'd be difficult
for them to talk about some things. Like, he'd make a reference to a pop
culture event that took place long before she was born that she'd have no
knowledge of whatsoever. Awkwaaaaard.
N: And now we're doing the same thing with Clacey. Heh. How can we
help it though? Guys in their forties are HOT!
T: Some of them. Not all of them. The ones who hit on me? They're of the not variety.
It made his chest ache to see her like that and he was reaching out to her
but stopped himself before he touched her. "You're everything I need, Mary
Anne. You seem to be under the impression that you're my world and you're
not that far off. And I'm sorry if it's hard for you, but you can't do
anything wrong with me, okay? If I get upset over something, you just call
me on it. Everyone knows I'm an ass anyways, but your opinion is the only
one I care about."
T: This is her calling you on it. She's been calling you on it. Oh,
Chad. You silly, stupid, damaged, lovesick man.
"Then why is it so awful to ask for a little room to breathe?" Mary Anne
took a sobbing breath. "I'm not saying that I never want to see you again,
you know."
T: I didn't mean to put breathe and breath so close together like that. It sort of bugs me.
"It's not that it's awful, it's just that you won't tell me why and—" He
paused and pictured Rita, standing in the doorway that last time. It's
just a trial separation, Chad. We'll give it a try and… see what happens,
okay? A few weeks later, he was signing divorce papers. God, the same
thing was happening all over again. Maybe he should just face up to it.
"You know what? Okay, you want room, you got it."
She sniffled. "Chad ?"
"What."
"What do you mean? Are you…? Are you breaking up with me?"
"No." You already did that, or at least you're going to. "I'm doing
what you wanted."
"Oh." She thought about that for a second. "We can still go out on
weekends but I should probably stop staying over here so often. Dawn's been
asking when I'm going to start paying you rent."
Chad laughed mirthlessly. "Did she now?" His smile dropped. "Let's just
see how it goes. I may not- I mean, I may be busy… with things… weekend
things."
"Please don't do this." She knelt down in front of him, trying to force him
to look at her. "I just need the room because I'm feeling overwhelmed,
that's all! I'm not… I'm not thinking of leaving you or anything! I don't
understand why you don't believe me!"
T: In the midst of the heartbreak, I find it funny that she knows he's
bullshitting. Suddenly he has plans? With who, invisible friends?
N: Oh, so he's met Claude? BAM-DUM-CHUM!
T: She's here all week, folks! Don't forget to tip your wait staff!
He stood up and moved away. "It's not that I don't believe you, it's just…
I'm not sure what you want me to do. Wait around for you to decide we
should go out sometime but not spend the night together? How is that a
relationship? Wouldn't that just be a friendship? Christ, we may as well
end it since that's what you're doing; you're just wrapping a bunch of fancy
words around it."
"… I didn't realize you valued the physical part of our relationship so
highly above the rest." She grabbed her bag and started angrily cramming
her school things into it. "That's so… that's so…"
"Oh, don't even!" Chad snapped. "That's not what I meant and you should
know that. Spending the night with you, holding you in my arms and
listening to you breathe as you sleep, that's what I value. When
you try to tickle me awake in the mornings and I hear you giggling, that's
the stuff I value. And yeah, I value the physical part too, but you're
making it sound like all you need me for is to take you out to a movie or
dinner and other things where I don't get to see that side of you I love the
most. When we're alone; that's when you're the Mary Anne I love."
"I tickle you and giggle outside of bed, too! Remember all the dates
leading up to the physical stuff? You're describing intimacy Chad, and we
can still have that, even if I don't spend the night here every night of the
week!"
He shook his head. "Okay, fine. Whatever you want," he said sarcastically. "You call the shots. I'll just be here waiting for you to feel like calling me, then."
"This is pointless, isn't it?"
"What is?"
"What do you want me to do? Just…" She dropped her bag, holding her arms
out in surrender. "Fine. I take it back, okay? I don't want breathing
room. I'll keep quiet while I feel overwhelmed until finally I can't take
it anymore and leave you. Would you prefer that?" She tightened her fists
in frustration. "God, I wasn't saying that I'd never sleep with you again,
just that it wouldn't be every night of the week!"
Chad crossed his arms. "That's not what this is about, but you seem to be
focusing on it so much, maybe you think that's all this is. I don't want
to be used, okay? I don't want to wait like your puppy dog for you to call
me. I'm not like that. And no, I don't want you to keep quiet, which is
why I said you can tell me anything, and have been trying to get you to open
up to me. You're the one who's bottling everything up inside and
leaving me in the dark. But you know what? Let's just stop this fight
right now and go our separate ways. Because I think we've said all there is
to say."
She'd looked ready to rebut everything he'd said but sagged a little at his
final words, looking sick. "… so that's it?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he said quietly and looked away.
"But…" She stood in place, stunned. After several moments, she went into
the bathroom, gathering up her toiletries like a sleepwalker and came back
to the bedroom to stuff them in her bag. Crying quietly, she went through
his dresser to get some clothes she'd left there for when she stayed over.
"You can let yourself out," Chad said and locked himself in the bathroom.
T: As we've said before, we do most of the dialogue as a back and forth
in chat. After we did this argument, we had to check with each other to
make sure we were okay. And we were. Just the fight was pretty
intense.
N: Haha, we totally broke up over IM. Only... I'm not really a
forty-five year old man... or AM I? Dun dun DUUUUN! *cough* Anyways,
yeah, we were both so bummed after this, I think we immediately wrote the
dialogue for them getting back together, didn't we?
Mary Anne finished gathering her things and stumbled to the front door.
Talk to him about anything, huh? Just so long as it wasn't a discussion
about getting some time alone to gather herself together, get her feelings
straight. Why couldn't she have just told him that? Well, for the reason
she gave him: He was overwhelming; everything she said always came out
wrong.
It didn't mean she wanted to let him go, though.
Outside, she shut the door and everything in her arms spilled to the ground. She sank down in the middle of the mess and sobbed into her drawn up
knees.
T: I don't know what it is about me and sobbing into drawn up knees.
There's just something so heart wrenching about that imagery. So childlike
and lonely and sad.
In the bathroom, Chad lowered the toilet lid and sank down onto it. He
looked at the tub, noting how empty it looked without her shower gel and
shampoo bottles lined along the edge. The countertop seemed naked without
her makeup stacked neatly there, next to her hairbrush.
T: Whenever I leave somewhere I've been staying awhile, I always think
that bathroom counters look the most empty and sad without all the stuff.
I'm not sure why.
He lowered his head into his hands.